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2002-10-17 02:37:07 (UTC)

Concert tonight

I had so much fun at the school concert. I really didn't
think I would but I did. Everyone was awesome of course!
(Except for these wanna be thug, act like that have not
been educated black bitches who were ruining it for the
rest of us)I'm mixed... I'm half white and half black...
and I'm not descriminating on the black race. But when
people (white, black, purple, blue... whoever) can't act
like they have the sense God blessed them with, it pisses
me off. Every other word is "Motha Fucka" this and "Stank-
ass" that and "white folk" this. It makes me so angry. I
work hard to present myself as a talented and intelligent
individual. To have someone mock that is completely
immature and juvenile. I'm sick of people judging me. I am
ME and I won't change for anyone. My "new secret" is kinda
diminishing. I'm so mad at myself. I was doing so good. I
think I want to go get rid of it. Maybe I should... it's
smarter. But a little too obvious. Tomorrow in health,
we're watchin a movie about it. Yay for me. No one knows,
yet. No one can know. NO ONE WILL KNOW. IF someone were to
ask about it, I'd deny it all the way. I'd never let
someone interfere. Not until I'm beautiful again. Gosh I
wanna be a little kid. Broken toys are so much easier to
fix than broken hearts. Speaking of broken hearts, I saw
the love of my life tonight, my husband. Shawn is the most
amazing person to me, I've loved him since I was 11 and
I've never stopped loving him. I just want to be with him.
It's so hard seeing him every day and knowing I can't have
him. All I'd have to do is say the word, and he'd be mine.
But it can't be that way. Not yet... In a few years though.
I want to be with him, two bodies but one heart, forever.
WHY WHY WHY do I have to be a stupid teenager? WHY can't I
be the adult I am? Why can't this be the olden times when
people got married at age 12 or 13? I could be married and
having his children right now. But no... society says
that's wrong. So it's wrong in the eyes of everyone... but
me. Shawn would be so hurt if I told him about my new
secret. He'd be so upset. He's the only one I trust but I
know he'll try to stop me. He can't stop me, but it will
only make him more upset if he knew the secret and knew he
couldn't do anything about it. So I won't tell... I'll
spare him the heartache. I sang to him tonight. On stage, I
looked at him and sang to him. He knew that to me, I
couldn't see anyone else around but us. I just wanted to
run offstage and hug him tight and tell him how much he
means to me. But I can't say that... I can't let him know.
It's too hard for the both of us. We both know that we love
each other, but we can't express it, it only hurts us
because we know we can't be together. I just want him as my
very best friend. But for some reason, he can't be. He
never calls when he says he will, he never talks to me, he
never stops by my locker. UGH maybe that's best. Maybe
that's the way it should be. Maybe we have to stay away to
keep from getting closer. It hurts too much to get close,
but is agonizing to be away.
Well... new subject. I don't wanna feel depressed tonight. I talked
to Marcus today, didn't have the guts to ask him about what he
supposidly said. I'm not worried about it. I think I'm going to see
tomorrow if he's seeing someone or if maybe he'd like to go out
sometime. Yea I know, I'm talkin a lot of shit, we'll just have to
see if I'll go through with it or not. I can't help but like him.
Even though he can be a total nerd, like today, the way he was
dressed, he looked like he just got outta bed. But then again so did
I. I really did though. I woke up, changed thongs, put the PJ's BACK
ON and went to school! lol I know I'm so grundgy but that's ok by me.
Back to Marcus though... I think he is SO frickin cute! I have a pic
of him that I'm going to put in my locker tomorrow. Seriously, I'm
gettin a bunch of pics of my friends and putting them up in my
locker. He will definatly be somewhere I can see him! Maybe I'll ask
him if he'll go to to see a movie with me, or maybe go bowling, or
maybe when swonder's opens up, we could go ice skating. I DUNNO! What
is in this little town to do? Oh... btw... Marcus is about 5'6,
blondish/brownish hair, the most beautiful eyes that I've ever seen,
kinda tan but not really, kinda muscular. He's SOOOOOOOOOO hott!
Well... g2g! Until tomorrow...