chaoticxpression

my simple small world
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2002-10-16 23:50:04 (UTC)

it's a sick sick sick world

hmmm, I just found out starfish read this....I didn't think
anyone honestly did.....
I don't nessaceraly regret anything I've written, I just
seriously thought no one read this....
I'm not going to change how I write either...hell for all I
know he may never read it again....either way I'm gonna
write just the same.(the truth and how I feel....)
I don't know what I think of him reading this...so at this
point, I'll just tell myself I think nothing of it, and if
it's a lie, it's to myself about something small, so it's
rather petty, and won't cause much damage.
**********************
today was a rather....bad? day for me.In collision repair,
this one guy kept touching me, and honestly, unless I want
someone touching me, or they are a close friend, touch
feels like a disgusting pressure forced upon me..(fucked
up, I know, but unless I'm ok with it, I'm almost psycho
about people touching me.....which is weird, but oh well.)
He'd do stupid things like put his arms around my waist or
caress my shoulder....Everytime I'd yell 'get the fuck off
me', and shove him away.....but he thought this to be some
kind of game he was winning...
I don't remember what I did, or don't remember what I said,
but I did something to piss him off....and he yelled, "your
never going to make love, are you....".Why did this piss me
off?Because of my insecuritys?Because though he ment, I'd
never have sex because you have to touch to do that, I took
it as I'm to unattractive (which I don't dissagree, I'm
just tired of hearing it) to fuck-since I'm just that out
there......What ever the reason, I yelled, "oh yeah I'm
never gonna make love, that's why I'm pregnant...".From
that moment on everybody treated me different...kinda like
a had a disease....It sucked...
I need to just...keep my mouth shut....
********
draveia.....I changed my mind, I don't wanna see him, I
never wanna see him..EVER after what he did to me...and if
I do see him, I might, do something so irrational, I can't
even imagine.....so scratch wanting to see him..I NEVER
want to see him again......but I know I will.
I had a dream last nite I ran into him......but the second
I saw his face in this dream......the feeling.....of rage..
and...just....agony, surfaced....and I lost it...
when that day really comes.......I don't know if I'll be
able to handle it....
********************
november 12 I get baby probed...
I found out exactly what they do....They stick a metal
stick in my...ah, "stuff?", and SCRAPE off part of my
inside....(my friend told me it hurt worse then sex for the
first time.....it's gonna hurt.....*frowns....)
Also, they take alot of my blood...
and then, they poke around down there some
more.....checking for std's and cancer, and all that other
stuff that is so mind easing...(NOT REALLY)
But they're gonna take a picture (sonogram...), so I get to
see my baby.(frown turns into smile)
Everyday the extent of being alone amplifys....but, I'll be
ok, I'll be fine...I'll live.....
and all that other maddness....
*******************************************
I've felt darkness
closing in on me
Chilling shadows
surrounding me
I've had the poison
leak into my skin
And it corroded
my heart away
Bled away
Cut away
Dark night of my soul...
....that fear factory song makes me wanna cry....how it's
played.....how it's sung.....the words.....
******
g2g...I need to stop thought......


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