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2001-08-04 05:48:44 (UTC)

All muddled up.....the positives, the negatives and my crrazy head

Here I am again. Only this time I am pigging out on Snakes
lollies and I have no idea why I am feeling or what I am
feeling. My abs hurt, really badly and I am sitting in this
internet cafe listenuing to a chinese musician playing his
instrument. It is quite tranquil but I don't think I feel
quite as tranqil. It is a common thing with me. For all
these emotions to be muddled up inside of me.

I am dreaming about my stepfather again. That is a bad
thing. The dreams are not so terrifying anymore, but they
are confusing. This dream I had last night was that mum and
I were together and there was a telephone and mum said to
me that I had to talk to my stepfather sometime. It left me
really confused. And all the while I was on the phone it
was a fasle niceness and I remembered the things that he
had done to me. It was horrible. I got woken up by a phone
call before it got any worse. Ususally the dreams I have
about him is that I start screaming at him for the bad
things he did to me and then he starts chasing me in an
effort to kill me. He never kills me though. I would like
to get these dreams interpreted one day. I think it is just
coming out of my system and I know that I have won. It is a
very hard long road that I have travelled and am still
travelling it and probably will for a long time.
I have acheived so much. I am living in Sydney I am gaining
my confidence I am employed (if only just..) I am searching
for work, paying my rent on time, meeting new people and
generally most of the time I am happy. When things go wrong
I don't run for cover anymore. Slowly I am turning into the
woman I want to be. Sure I have mishaps and make mistakes,
but doesn't everyone? This concept of it being okay for me
to make mistakes is something that for a long time I would
not accept. Slowly I am though. I do expect a lot from
myself and I am very hard on myself at times (and I have
been told this so many times) I know that this is because
of my past. I am slowly slipping away from the past, but it
is hard. Like one of my friends said I have to " sweep the
past under the carpet and deal with it a little at a time"

Today I wore no makeup and I look so different without it.
I'd forgotton what my face looks like with out it. I am
daggliy dressed and I don't really care. There's 2 pimples
that are appearing on my face. I hate pimples.

I looked in the SMH for jobs that I am going to apply for
on Monday and by next Saturday my goal is to be employed
full time. I have thought alot about what I want
financially. I want to live comfortably and have a fat
savcings account balance. I was to travel and work in
England. So SO So badly. I want to put a deposit on as
house or unit. All these things I want and I will have.
People shake thirer head at me when they find out I am only

I guess I want to be like my real dad. He is wonderful.
He's very old (In his late 70's) but he is soooo cool in
his own way. He is still rockin' the world, at the moment
he is going on a horseback journey in Tassie. He did 2
years on horseback on the bi centennail trail that he
completed at the end of last year. My dad is like a gypsy.
(If you told him that he would laugh at you) He's very old
fashioned in a lot of ways, but I love him. I guess I want
him to be as proud of me as I am of him and he is of his
sons. When he came to visit me in Sydney I think he was so
worried but I think I showed him that he doesn't need to
worry. I don't want him to be worried. I want him to say
"That's my daughter standing over there and I am proud of
her for all that she has achieved" I know personally I have
achieved threefold. But that is not enough for me. I was to
achieve in everything. I want a career (a stable career) I
want financial stablity and I want a home life with someone
who I love and I want to be able to say "I did that" So
that when I am 70 I can be happy that in my younger life I
did everything I set out to do and then I won't wake up one
day and say "Where the hell did my life go? or " why the
hell didn't I do this or that when I had the chance?"
Unfortunately my mum is not like my dad. I love my mum, and
she is not a well woman but she is static. She still lives
with my brat of a stepfather. I admire my mum humilty. My
mum does have some wonderful qualities, and she had a hard
life. My mum gives in too easily though. She reminds me of
a lost little bird. I just want to put my arms around her
and protect her, and I know I can't do that, because she
won't let me. I don't keep in contact as much as what I
should but I miss her. I hurt very deeeply for her. She
does'nt realise this. I am not about to tell her either.
I think I will go to Lithgow soon to see her.
Thats all for today....