~*KandyDevil*~

~*Diary Of A Lost Soul*~
2002-10-16 07:29:41 (UTC)

Been so long! **Back Entries From The Time In Between**

[15 Oct 2002|06:37pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]
[ music | My Ruin/ Jack Off Jill ]

Me n Kylie went to the belly dance class tonite. I just got
home a bit ago. It was at the Toga JR High school. We took
like half the class then just fucked around for the rest of
the time. Was cool to hang out. We got to talk n stuff. Im
tryin to get her to go to the Halloween party so I wont be
completely miserable. Shes gonna see if she can go.
Anyways, at least we got a little excersise tonite. She
says that I look like I lost weight! :-D YAY! Yea it was
cool to go out n stuff. For over a year I put everything
that I used to enjoy on the back burner & it fucking sucked
and got me nowhere and Im not gonna devote my entire life
to just one thing (or person) Anyways that fucking guy is
here again *anger*. Hes fucking sleeping over again. I am
blastin my fucking Jack Off Jill right now. I want him to
fucking suffer! They r in the bedroom sleeping... or not...
I dont really wanna know but whatever they are doing I am
gonna make damn sure that they are miserable. Well I am
bored once again. Gotta find something to occupy me. TTYL

xoxo
RACHEL

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[14 Oct 2002|11:21pm]
Links To My StuffMy Open DiaryMY Yahoo Fan ClubMY
LiveJournalMy PicRave PageMy FaceTheJury PageMy
LipstickParty PageMy OneModelPlace Profile PageMy FindAPix
PageMy AsianAvenue PageMy Message BoardMy Blogged Quiz
ResultsMy Pic Rating Site: Am I A Metalhead Or NotMy
NeoPets PageMy Graphics & HTML OpenDiary

EDIT: The links arent working! *mad* I don't know why. It
works at the open diary!
Well just go to that then if anybody wants to see it. lol:
http://freeopendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=A697093
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... [14 Oct 2002|01:46pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | none ]

Im home! Weekend was pretty good aside from yesterday. He
was bein all shitty lol. I didnt care tho. Didnt even ask
bout it. I got picked up at 3 today. Had some nice cock
before I left :-D. Not to mention Fri & Sat nights! Very
good too might I add! Jon might come over sumtime this week
for a \\\"booty call\\\" :-D lol. Anyways, we
didnt take the
5
hour course cuz he lost his permit. We also didnt go to the
guitar show cuz we were too late. I am so tired right now.
I think I am gonna take a nap very soon which is something
I like never do at home but I think I want to. I'm bored
anyways. The internet is boring these days =( Used to
occupy me for hours! I can't really think of anything else
to say right now so maybe I will write later.
xoxo
Rachel

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whee [11 Oct 2002|01:17pm]
I went to crossgates today. My grandmother gave me 125 $
towards my birthday money n i spent it all. i didnt think
that i would cuz like no store had anything at all. I didnt
even find 1 single thing to try on at forver 21! *pure
shock* !! I went to Hot Topic n I asked to try on that
shirt that I like- like the one Steph got (n they had
black!) Was cool cuz I asked for a medium & they r
like 'you should try a small' lol Im thinkin \\\"Im
bigger
than I appear to be\\\" lmao. Tis cool that I look
smaller to
people tho! yay! lol Anyways I bought the shirt (yes the
medium!)It was $54 somethin. So that there was most of my
money. I knew that I wouldnt find any clothes anywhere else
so I went to the record store and I found 3 bands that I
have been lookin all over for for more than a year! I
FINALLY FOUND THE MY RUIN CD!!!!!!! My Ruin!!!!! YAY!!!! I
want their 1st one too but i dont know where i can get it =
( I also got Lacuna Coil and Jack Off Jill. Then I bought a
little black skirt at Rampage. It's weird... I havent
shopped by myself in a long time and I start to notice all
the guys that check me out :/ Some blak guy with a kid
tried hittin on me. I pretended like I didnt hear him. lol.
N some older woman came up to me and is like \\\"can I
put
your tag in?\\\" then as she's doing it she's like
\\\"would
you
like that?\\\" That really weirded me out! lol . Anyways
I am
talkin to Jon on aim right now. He has to work on Sunday =(
I'll only get to see him like 1 day then if I do decide to
come back home earlier in the week like Ive been thinking
about. I wish I knew how to be nicer to my grandmother. She
doesnt deserve my snappyness but I cant help it. I try not
to do it but usually it doesnt work. I wanna make an extra
effort to be nicer & spend more time with her. Ahhh me &
Jon r confusing each other. It's hurting my head!:

RACHEL: i was thinkin of like goin back home like on mondays
RACHEL: or tuesdays at least
JON: and leaving?
RACHEL: leavung home?
JON: wait going to your house monday or tuesday and coming
here when ? is what i'm asking
RACHEL G0NZALES: the usual. friday
JON: so you'd be staying over the same amount of time that
you do now but different days
RACHEL: what? no
RACHEL: go to ur house fridays. leave ur house mondays or
tuesdays
JON: 5 days and 4 nights
RACHEL: your confuzing me
JON: n/m
RACHEL: basically i would be home more that at your house
RACHEL: instead of the other way around
JON: ???
JON: ok
JON: you would be here 4 or 5 days and 3 or 4 nights
RACHEL: be there 3 or 4 nights there
RACHEL: fri sat & sun nights
JON: and monday
RACHEL: we are totally confusing each other lets drop it
JON: ok

XOXO
RACHEL
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i cant fucking believe it [09 Oct 2002|01:17pm]
That fucking man IS sleeping over! I am so fucking mad. I
went downstairs to get a soda and I see all his fucking
shit. But what angers me the most is what a fucking
hypocrite my mom is! He fucking smokes! I saw cigarettes
there. She hates the smell of smoke more than anything in
the world... literally. I also know that he fishes! She
hates anything that involves killing animals! She also went
with him fishing at leaset 1 time that I know of! The guy
smokes fucking pot too! I should turn him in!!! I was so so
tempted to put some kind of poisonous stuff in his coke
bottle that I saw downstairs. It would be so great. My mom
did not tell me that he was staying for the night! I woulda
so not stayed here if i knew that! I don't know how yet but
I am gonna bring this fucker down! This shit is just so
fucked up. I fucking hate it. Im NOT going to give this guy
a chance like everyone wants me to. He helped to destroy a
part of my life and I do not think that that is something
that should be overlooked. Nobody can understand where I am
coming from but I dont see why it is so hard to comprehend
how difficult this is. And even my dad wanted me to go to
great escape with him and his
\\\"girlfriend\\\" . What the
fuck
ever. No fucking way. I'm pissed so I'll TTYL.

~Rachel.
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no subject. i hate subjects [08 Oct 2002|01:17pm]
Today I went to sleep round 9 AM I think n I woke up round
5:30 PM. I wasnt even gonna get up then but I figured I
would cuz my mom would be gettin home soon which meant that
man would be comin over. I dont even know if he did come
over. He was supposed to but I didnt hear nobody. Well
thats the way I like it! I've been bored tryin to find
things to do online. I'm sick of the same old shit. I
watched the season finale of Road Rules. I always hate when
they have to leave each other cuz I cry every time. lol.
That was a cool cast. I will miss them but I've got every
episode on tape as always ;-D. Jon called me today n then
he went online later n talked to me more. He wants me to go
to the guitar show on Saturday and take our 5 hour driving
course together Saturday too. I have to learn to drive
sooner or later and the course thingie expires in 6 months
so I have to get my liscense within 6 months or have to
take the dang thing again. Jon is gonna teach me to drive.
I dont feel comfortable learnin from my dad. I totally
flipped out that one time that he tried. I just started
cryin. I was bad. My hand hurts. lol. Oh yeah and if
anybody is actually reading this and you know of any cool
websites to occupy me please tell me them. lol. I kinda
cant wait till my black hair dye comes out so I can dye it
red or burgundy. I think it's gonna turn somewhere around
those colors tho as the black washes out more and more.
That'll be cool! I wanna go shoppin. I want new clothes. I
have 2 closets, 3 dressers, various funitre & 2 rooms of
floor space all filled with clothes but I just cant wear
any of them! Not to mention the dresser & floor fulls at
Jons. My fucken body changes so much that I cant wear the
same clothes for very long too. It fucken sucks. Anyways
thats about it. I wish I could go to Salem this halloween =
(.

xoxo
Rachel.
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nothin really [08 Oct 2002|01:17pm]
I spent all day learning cool html shit and fixed up my
open diary & it's all fuckin cool and stuff now. Anyways I
don't know. Ugh... at gothauctions.com I bid on a bunch of
fake hair not really thinking that I would win and I've
already won 3 of 'em. I hope they will all take money
orders or somethin cuz I dont know how to use pay pal nor
do I want to. I dont want them to have closed the bidding
on me and me not be able to actually buy them! That would
be bad. Anyways, its nice being home. I was thinking maybe
I will stay home every week and just go to Jons on weekends
maybe. I dont know though. Maybe once in a while I'll just
spend the week here. That man did not come over last night
after all but he did tonight & I think he's fucking
sleeping over :~( I didnt hear him leave and my mom didnt
even say good nite to me like she usually does before she
goes to bed. I'm gonna try and make a lot of fuckin noise.
Childish yes but I don't really care. This fucker destroyed
parts of my life and he needs to be put through hell. What
kind of man would have an affair with a married woman?!
What a loser. I should go out and vandalize his car or
motorcyle or whatever he drove here! *evil grin* Oh how I
would love to do that. I wanna go take a shower. Jon is
supposed to call again tho cuz he already called then he
said he'd call again in a bit but I don't know when. I
don't know what else to talk about. Oh yeah, I don't think
I mentioned this yet but I'm going to be featured on this
modeling site. They think I am purdy. lol. I don't think I
get paid but maybe it'll get me some recognition for other
stuff. I miss my modeling classes that I used to take. It
was fun. The fashion show was fun too! Well I guess I am
gonna go take that shower now. TTYL

xoxo
Rachel
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=( [07 Oct 2002|01:05pm]
Well I am at home right now. Home home. I called mom to
pick me up. Here's the story: Last nite I told Jon that I
was going with him to the mall to pick up Joe. He didnt
ask. I TOLD him I was coming. So we get there and he's
like \\\"I gotta get a bag off someone\\\"
And he said that I
had
to wait somewhere cuz the guy didnt want nobody to know who
he was or some shit. I'm like \\\"Don't u think u should
save
ur money for stuff u need\\\" He said \\\"I
knew you would
say
that, thats why I didnt want to tell u\\\" And I'm like
\\\"So
now ur hiding thins from me\\\" He said
\\\"If it avoids
being
bitched at\\\" And I said that since he doesnt have a job
anymore at the moment that he should save his money. Well
he went n got it and I waited in the food court alone and
looking like an idiot. I didnt talk to him the rest of the
night. He ended up sleeping on the futon. I left him a
letter for when he woke up and put my blankie over him. The
next day he gave me a letter. He told me how he felt.
Basically it was 3 pages of insults with the occasional
\\\"i
love you\\\". So I wrote him another letter justifying
myself
about what he had written. I also said in that letter how I
didnt want to marry him anymore (which isnt really true) so
then he wrote me another letter about that and then I wrote
another one back telling him things that I really did not
want to say. Like how we were so much happier together when
we first started going out and how we bring each other so
much pain that sometiimes I wonder if it's even worth it.
Well then we spoke in person and we were both upset n cryin
and then he recommended that we spend a week or 2 apart in
an attempt to get our \\\"puppy love\\\" back
like we had in
the
beginning. We do act like we are married, but is that
really so bad? We cant be immature love struck teens all
our lives. I really wasnt all that thrilled about the
sugggestion to spend time apart but mostly cuz I am going
to have to be home when that guy is here. I wasnt even
gonna agree to doing this but I want our relationship to
work and if he thinks that this will help then I will do
it. I don't mind anyways. I dont need to be there doing
nothing all the time. But anyways he made me a sandwich and
then I called mom and she said she would pick me up. Jon
was kinda weird about that cuz he didnt want me to leave
like right then, he wanted to do this \\\"when i was
ready\\\"
but I'm like \\\"I'm ready\\\". I dont
know... I just didnt
want
to be there anymore. I wanted to go home. And I am home.
And I'm glad that I am. Im sick of always being over there.
Sick of all the people, the constant noise, the constant
pot, the constant assholes that always come over. Why can't
leave people ever just be fucking alone. Be fucking normal.
Why do they constantly have to be with people?! Anyways, I
dont know when I am going back. I dont even know if I even
wanna go back.

Anyways, in other things, during that shit the first night
of it Joe had like cut his finger off at work and after Jon
got the bag we had to bring him to the hospital. I didnt
look at it but from the description it sounded gross. I was
afraid blood would get on me on the way there cuz I was
sittin next to him. lol.

Friday night I followed Jon to the shower. I said I wasnt
leavin. lol. I said I was just gonna watch but eventually
he made me get in with him and needless to say we got
dirtier rather than cleaner. lol. I guess I ruined his
shower cuz by the time we were done the water was ice cold
and he couldnt wash up. lol. Oops. But he said he was glad
that I did ruin his shower! I was too. lol.

Well I think thats about it for the lame excitement in my
life since last I wrote. Write 2morrow probably.

xoxo
Rachel
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so tired [03 Oct 2002|01:05pm]
Well it's about time... damn livejournal's been down all
day. Well I got picked up at Jons at quarter past 7 in the
morning right after he went to work. I am so fucking tired
that everything is blurry. I went to bed at like 2am and
woke up at quarter to 6 and only slept like 2 hours more
later on in the day 4 a nap. I just cant bring myself to go
to sleep before it gets light ut when I am at home tho.
Guess that'll be soon. Well nothin too interesting happened
this week. Sleep all day, awake all nite. Last nite Zack
stayed over. I hate when ppl stay over. There's enough
fucking people in that basement! He was being so fucking
loud too when Jon was tryin to sleep. He was yellin and
playin guitar really loud. I was about ready to go tell him
to shut the fuck up cuz Jon is tryin to sleep! Well
everyone seems to like me better with black hair... like
EVERYONE! Im surprised. Well I dont really have anything
else to say rite now so I guess that's it.
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idk [29 Sep 2002|01:05pm]
I hate aol. And I hate this shitty ass computer I have to use at
Jon's. Well I just needed to say that. Evryone has gone beddy bye. I
wanna stay up again until Jon leaves for workies. Only about 2 and a
half hours till he has to wakie. Today me Jon & Steph went over to
the Double M Western Store in Malta to put in an application for the
Haunted Hayrides. I hope they call us back. I really wanna work there
and it would be extra cool if all 3 of us got jobs there together
too! I told Steph to say she was 16 cuz I applied when I was 15 and I
was too young. She might get a job at the mall in that Halloween
stand thingie that that dude from the Alien Encounter owns. I could
have had the job also but I figured Id have no way there since he
needed like morning hours. Well the hayride said they'd call like on
Wed. Thats what they always say... Anyways, Jon took some 'sexy' pics
of me tonight that I can use at my fan club. I didnt ask him to, he
just did it. He told me to put on some lingere for him then he
started takin pix... Then we did other STUFF! The bottle again! The
bottle! He blindfolded me and did STUFF to me! And THE BOTTLE!!!
AHHH! :-D Anyways, Friday night when I arived Jon took me and Emily
to AC Moore. I bought hair! :-D Oh yeah, Im really liking my black
hair now! It's coolies! I feel much more comfortable with the blonde
but I think I look kinda good with black. W/E. On Friday after Jon
went to pick up Joe at work he surprised me with a really beautiful
card and a cute white teddy bear! It was so sweet! He did it for no
reason. I asked why he did it and he's like "I told you that I'd
take
care of you when I got a job" :) Isn't he the sweetest! I love him!
Then he took me out to dinner at like midnight. We went to Uno's. I
had a veggie burger and he had an appitizer sampler. It was a really
nice night. Really cool to get him all to myself! Then when we got
home Joe took Emily out to dinner so me and Jon were alone! He wanted
to me put on that lingere thingie so I did and then he took it off me
while kissing every inch of my body. It was really romantic and
sensual. He had a bunch of candles lit too. Then we made love. lol.
Its funny to refer to it as that... i dont know why. Then later on
Jon brought me and Steph to Walmart! YAY! I spent almost all my
money. Saturday I think I slept all day. We were supposed to do the
haunted hayride thing then but we couldnt cuz Jon took too long
fixing Lori's car. I played with the kids Friday night too. Kaitlin
kept teling everyone that she wanted me. So I went upstairs and
played with her for a bit. She got a new dolly that she named Lisa,
then she named it Topanga. lol. I still like Boy Meets World. I
remember I used to wanna be Topanga. lmao. Anyways, yeah, I'm really
thirsty. I wish they had Roadrunner here and a newer computer so I
could stay on longer. It annoys me so much that I can't stay on for
very long. And I'd better end this entry before I get booted off! TTYL

xoxo
Rachel.
post comment

stuff [26 Sep 2002|01:05pm]
Today I slept till 4. Got up n went online. Went to bed this morning
around 7 I think. I talked to Craig online last night. He was
actually on! I was happy. There are very few people that I will come
out of AIM hiding for but he's one of 'em. I miss hangin out with
him. Not Josh tho. Im pretty much done with my friendship with him.
He really messed things up between us. Anyways yea, it was cool
talkin to Craig. I told him to call me today but I don't think he
did. I don't care, I didnt actually think he would anyways. He's
working cleaning up buildings or somethin and makin good money for
it. Course he'll waste it all on cigarettes. My back hurts. Damn
cramps. My eyes are all blurry too. I talked to Kylie a bit online
2day too. She wanted me to go with her and Victoria to the mall
tomorrow. Supposedly CJ is gonna meet up with them but I wouldn't
count on it. I thought they broke up anyways...? Well if I happen to
be at the mall then I'll see them there. If not then I don't. Been
doin picrave and facethejury for the past couple hours. Would do
lipstickparty but it is so0oo0o slow. Well I just got some more votes
to give out on picrave so Im gonna go do that. TTYL

xoxo Rachel.
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I just fuckin typed this entry and it didnt work so I have to do it
fuckin again... [25 Sep 2002|01:05pm]
Fuck! It was a long entry and I dont wanna type it all out again cuz
I dont even remember it all. Well I just dyed my hair black. I dont
really like it. I hope it really does wash out eventually. Then Ill
dye it burgundy, then white blonde again cuz I miss it. Bleach is bad
but whatever. I dont care anymore. Everything is one big whatever.
Jon didnt have to work today so we got a bit of extra time together
before I went home which was nice. I am on my period but I was givin
Jon a hand job n he got really horny n wanted to fuck so we did. he
didnt care bout the period. LOL sorry, a bit too graphic? Its okay, I
dont like to censor my writings! Jons been happy that hes gettin
money. I dont mind that hes working, I just worry too much sometimes.
I try to go to bed around the time that he goes to work so that I
sleep the whole time hes gone. It's for my own good cuz if I were
awake I would probably be freaking out and worrying so yeah, sleeping
is what I must do. I miss my golden blonde hair :~( I don't really
remember what else I wrote. Pretty much all that I wrote again but in
more detail I think. IDK. Whatever. I dont feel like sitting here
trying to remember cuz I am bored enough as it is. I cant find
anything to occupy me online. I hung up a bunch of pictures on my
door and wall of people past present and future cuz I was bored n
there was nothin else to do. Dogs wont goddamn stop barkin either.
Well Ill ttyl cuz I dont know why... just cuz.

xoxo
Rachel
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headache [22 Sep 2002|01:05pm]
So this has been... I don't know... I was gonna say a fucked up
couple of days but really when I think about it it was actually
pretty normal. Except I havent been eating. I am afraid I am getting
too fat :( . Anyways Jon got a job that he starts today :/ . May
sound weird but I really dont like when he works at all. Especially
at construction. It makes me worry too much. I dont want him to get
hurt. He has to get up in 3 hours. lol. Ill prolly be goin to bed
when he gets up. I didnt drink at all this weekend. YAY! I just got
an email from someone that made me cry. I feel really bad for her :(
I hope she'll be okay. I've had a headache like all weekend. Prolly
cuz of the lack of food n stuff. My dad called me tonite. He wants to
get together like next weekend but I dunno. Since weekends are Jon's
days off I kinda would like to be with him but I'd prolly be sleepin
all day as usual n he would prolly be doin shit round the house but
still I dont really think I wanna go neways. I'd rather avoid any of
this family situation stuff. Oops I forgot that I left the tv on for
so long downstairs. I hope it didnt wake up Jon n Joe. Well I kinda
wanna go to bed now but I think I might try to stay up till Jon goes
2 work so I dont have to be woken up (hes gonna wake me up before he
goes) and cuz I wanna be wiff him b4 he leaves and I kinda wanna
mention sumthin to him. I hope hes gonna be okay at work. i know I
worry too much. I smell skunk. The skunks r cute. They eat the
garbage outside. Theres a big one and a little one. Well I guess i
should head downstairs. TTYL

xoxo
Rachel.
post comment

more stupid [20 Sep 2002|01:05pm]
Today I flipped out. It was really weird. I can't really explain it
but it was like something completely new. It started well of course
coz of the letter exchanges between my mom and me and the shit
discussed in them and that whole situation so I was already upset. I
decided to go into the basement for some reason and thats pretty much
where it started. All the memories and shit and just you know how
like most of my dads shit is gone from there but theres still stuff
and it just made me flip out for some reason. I went back upstairs
and knocked over anything I could find and spilled my bad of popcorn
all over the kitchen. I've never done anything so like angry before.
I've never been one to wanna break shit when I am upset. usually I
just cry... and I did that too. I couldn't stop. It was different
than how it usually is though. It was sorta like a panic attack but
still totally different. I can't even begin to explain it but it was
fucked up. I'm okay now I guess... yeah right, like I could ever be
called "okay". Anyways she didnt bring the guy here tonight like
she
said she was. She went down there to spend the night I guess. Of
course as always I love having the house to myself but its just
fucking lonely... but my whole life is one big lonely so its really
nothing I guess. I love being the only one in the house. I dont wanna
have to move. I hate moving. Whatever. I'm completely out of it
today. On the phone Jon said that I sounded like i was dead... Well I
feel dead. I have no more life left to me. It's fucking... I dont
know. I don't even wanna talk about it anymore. I love my days home
but this week its been tough. But its tough no matter if Im here or
there so it makes no difference.

xoxo
Rachel.

BTW: http://RachelsShit.blogspot.com
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up all nite [19 Sep 2002|01:05pm]
Yeah still up... My mom gave me a letter last night and a pair of
earrings. The letter says that she is not gonna keep that fucking man
away when I am here anymore. It fucking pissed me off. I wrote her a
note n taped it to her door for her to find when she woke up. I said
that I am gonna bitch that fucker out {just this second she slipped a
piece of paper under my door... dont think i can bring myself to read
it right now} I wanna take a shower. I hate my life. Nothing ever
seems to get better... Everything just gets worse it seems. Anyways
the guy is supposed to be coming here tonight and Im gonna freak out.
Im afraid to read that letter. I don't wanna fucking cry again. I cry
too fucking much. Everything is against me and Im sick of pretending
like everything is okay. Anyways I dont know when I am going to bed.
Maybe in a couple hours or sumthin.

xoxo
Rachel.
post comment

stupid [18 Sep 2002|01:05pm]
I enjoy my days alone at home... So begins 3 of them! Well this week
I didn't drink much vodka... I realized that I really was going a bit
overboard. I have enough problems... I don't need to be an alcoholic
too... I also get too out of control when I am drunk sometimes... I
kinda I guess flirt too much with others and thats bad. My old self
kinda comes out through the alcohol I guess. I dont need to be
getting myself into trouble. I did drink a couple nights out of the
week though and as usual I got sick afterwords. I wish I could drink
without the after effects. Yeah... I was way too fucked up last week.
I was either drunk or hungover the whole entire week and I really
don't remember too much of it. I had forgotten but I sent an
anonymous note to Emily last week. I wish I hadn't. I wasnt intending
on it. I wanted to but I knew it wasnt my place to do it but I guess
the fucking alcohol did me in. If I was sober I wouldnt have done it
no matter how wrong I felt it was. Jon says they r mad at me now.
Well Im sorry, I guess I just wanted to make sure she knew cuz it
bothered me what was going on and I thought it might matter to her
but apparently she doesnt care. I try to do the right thing and I get
fucked over. I can't win. For now on I'll just let people find out
the hard way I guess. But everyone hates me anyways... what's 2 more
people... I am gonna appologize though. I feel really bad that I even
bothered. If someone doesnt care what their mate is doing behind
their back then why the hell should I care. I'm trying not to care
here! It's not a big deal really though cuz Im used to being hated no
matter what I do. Hate me for telling the truth... hate me for
lying... hate me for having a slutty past, hate me for my fucked up
head, hate me cuz I can't control myself when Im drunk... hate me cuz
I can't accept my parent's relationships with other people, hate me
cuz I don't do drugs, hate me cuz Im Latin, hate me cuz Im not a
preppy, hate me cuz Im a metalhead, hate me cuz I am quiet...
Whatever. I'm sick of people judgeing me no matter what I do. But hey
I'm not angry here... I may seem like I am but Im simply stating how
life works. And it doesn't matter. i don't even know what I am
talking about anymore. I'm like in another world right now and
honestly I really do wish that I had some vodka. I had some other
things to say but I seem to have forgotten them in my rant so TTYL

xoxo
Rachel
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i keep biting the inside of my mouth [12 Sep 2002|01:05pm]
This week was really no different than any other. Jon and I did get
into one fight this week tho... But we're cool now. One fight a week
is a whole lot better than multiple fights in a week... Ohhhhhhh... I
didn't get to write about my night of unbelievable drunkeness... Ok
it was Friday night I think... The people that were there were me,
Jon, Joe, Steph, Brandon (Jons nephew Brandon), Justin Andrew, Nick
(andrew's brother) and Nick's ex gf. Dick had given Jon 2 bottles of
Vodka. One cherry flavored medicine tasting one and the other was
DEVIL'S SPRINGS!!!!!! I was a Devil's Springs virgin up until that
night... The shit is 80 percent alcohol... 180 proof. I can't
remember how much I had... but even if it wasnt a lot the shit is
strong... but I am told I did drink a damn lot. When I am drunk I am
usually mostly aware of what I am doing and stuff ya know... not this
time... words were just coming out of my mouth... couldnt walk
straight (or at all) for real. I kinda was the life of the party. I
remember most of the stuff that people told me that I did, one thing
however that I don't remember is ASKING JOE TO HAVE A 3 SOME WITH
ME!!!!!! I mean I remember talking about 3 somes with Joe and Brandon
but I don't remember asking him that! Jon was pretty upset about that
afterwords. I didn't mean it tho... I swear!...:o) . I remember
mostly only talking to Joe and Brandon. I wasnt talkin to nobody else
I dont think but I know I was talkin to them a whole lot. I kept
asking them both to be my "bestest friend"! They both said they
would
be! YAY! lol. I remember I kept asking Brandon is he would go out
with Kylie! Im told I kept telling Joe that he is hot. Im told that
pretty much everything that came out of my mouth was sexually
related. Steph said that I kept saying her name too. I kept asking
who Andrew's brother and the girl were. I remember smacking Joe,
trying to grab Justin's leg, Brandon picking bread out of my hair,
Jon Joe and Brandon trying to make me go to Walmart, Jon and Andrew
trying to make me drink water and eat bread, trying to make Joe go
back out with Emily and falling all over the truck outside with
eveeryone out there and talling Brandon to give me a baby and Cary
smacked me for that. lol. Man, I don't know... I may have been a bad
girl that night but it damn sure was fun!

Anyways, in other things, Joe and Emily are supposedly "back
together" and the day after I found this out Joe was in his room
fucking Mindy again. Apparently Emily knows this but I can't
understand why she would be okay with that. I think it's incredibly
stupid for them to stay together if he's gonna keep on fucking other
people. I feel bad for Emily. She deserves better. It's not right. I
hope she does know though cuz if he's doing all this behind her back
then thats even worse.

Well thats about it I think. TTYL

xoxo
Rachel.
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dogs r barkin [06 Sep 2002|01:05pm]
Well it's real early in the morn. Didnt go to bed yet, as if thats a
surprise! I didnt go to sleep till 10:30 this morning (for last
night) I was doin quizes n joing every pic rating site out there all
night long last nite as well as tonite and during the day yesterday
and most likely all day today. Im gonna set my alarm so I only sleep
a few hours. I can always sleep when I am at Jons cuz thats really
what I do best there. NEways, I never got any responce from that mail
I sent yesterday about what I talked about yesterday so I dont think
it was recieved. W/E. I dont know when I am goin to sleep. Im very
tied but Im very wired. N the dogs r barkin like fuck. I dont know
what else to talk about so ttyl.

xoxo
Rachel.
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shit to tell [04 Sep 2002|01:05pm]
Okay, sorry I haven't written like all week. Sunday night I was just
too fucking pissed. Not about anything involving me directly but
involving Emily. Here's how it started. Joe asked Jon if he and I
could leave the room. Jon explained to me that Joe and that Mindy
chick from his work were gonna fuck. I said I was not gonna leave cuz
I just did not want this to happen. I'm thinking of Emily's sake
here. So Joe n the girl were just talkin after that and I was
relieved cuz I thought they had decided not to do it. But then I
start to hear the whore moaning and I just fucking left. Not because
I wanted to give them their privacy but because it really upset me
too much. To think that he's telling Emily that they are gonna be
back together and shit and then he goes and sleeps around just pisses
me off so much. I dont know why but I feel for Emily. I see and have
seen for a year how unfairly Joe treats her and she just loves him to
death. I don't know if Joe told her about this or not and nobody else
wants to get involved but I just do not think this is right at all
and if he didnt tell her and she wants to know then I am gonna
fucking tell her because I know for damn sure that if I was in her
position I'd want someone to tell me! Anyways in other things, I
don't know why I didnt write Monday and Tuesday nights. I didnt go
online. I was too busy seducing Jon. lol. Lets just say that we had a
lot of sex this week ;-D. Jon said that Joe said he heard me all the
way in the 2nd floor :o) But what else is new?! I can't help it! Jon
is just too good!!!!!!! Me n Jon didnt argue at all this week I dont
think. It was a pretty good week aside from the Joe shit. I really
really do hope that Emily and Joe work things out though cuz I'm with
Jon all the time and that means I am with Joe all the time and if
he's gonna have a chick, Emily is one of few girls that I actually
like. Plus I know how much she loves him and it would just be
terrible to see her lose him. Anyways thats about it. TTYL

xoxo
Rachel.
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hate [04 Sep 2002|01:05pm]
Just had a terrible experience. My parents came into my room cuz I
wouldnt go downstairs so they could "talk to me" They are not
getting
back together after all. They want me to accept the other people that
they see. Why can't they fucking understand why I can't and won't. I
fucking hate them right now. They were bitching and screaming and all
kinds of bullshit. I always try to make it a point not to respond
when they are trying to get things out of me. It's none of their damn
business what Im thinking and Im not gonna talk if I dont want to. My
mom's gonna have to sell the house and move, possibly in with that
fucking guy. I'm not putting my stuff into that bitch's house or
anywhere near him. If Im ever to see him I swear with all my heart I
will hurt him. Because of his my life is even more ruined than it was
before. My dad says hes gonna move to new mexico and from the way I
act he dont care if he ever sees me again. He says I only act
babyish. I hate everything. I can't stand life sometimes. I know he
said a bunch of other shit too but I cant remember nor do I want to.
As it stands I said that I will take all my shit out of this house
and no longer be a part of their lives. If this is how it has to be
then this is how it has to be. I really don't care about anything
anymore. I'm just struggling to live each day sometimes. I know that
I cause others a lot of shit too but I don't know... I don't only
care about myself... It may come across that way but its not true. I
just dont wish to be associated with things that help destroy my soul
even more. I don't know whats gonna happen. All I know is that I am
fed up.


nothin [31 Aug 2002|01:05pm]
Hmmm... well today I woke up to hear a huge bitch fight between Cary
n their mom upstairs. NE ways, we went to the mall to drop Joe off at
work n I bought another pair of those skull socks at Hot Topic to
make arm thingies out of. Saw Emily at the mall. She kept hovering
around Joe even though they are broken up now. We got some free subs
at subway. Veggie subs r good! :-) Then Jon dropped me off at Barnes
and Noble while he went to Home Depot. I looked at lotsa kewl books.
I need to get a book on HTML so I get even better at it! N I wanna
get this book about Windows ME... one of those Dummies books or w/e.
Maybe I can make by computer be not so gay. Then we went home and I
watched Glitter on HBO. I like that movie but it was sad at the end
when the dude gets killed. People say that Mariah did really bad in
that movie but I likes it a lot and I think she acted well. I watched
bits n pieces of the VMA's too n recorded select parts. N I watched
Lizzie McGuire too! :-D I also started ripping out shit from my
magazines that are here at Jon's. Need to update my scrap books n
stuff. Jon went out to go pick up Joe at Pete's house. I hate how
he's always catering to Joe but w/e I don't really wanna get into
anything cuz I'm trying to stay mellow! No vodka tonight :( I need my
alcohol dammit!!!!!!! AHHHH!!! Yeah so anyways that's about it.
Brandon is comin over tomorrow (today) to help Jon with the Buick. I
didnt even take a nap today :o) Well TTYL.

XoXo
Rachel.
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stomach hurts [30 Aug 2002|01:05pm]
Today I slept only till around 1. I had my alarm set to go off at
1:16 cuz Kylie was comin over but I woke up before that. Yeah so
Kylie is here now. We didn't really do anything at all today. My
existance today is very... fluttery is the only word that really
comes to mind to describe it. I don't feel like I am here. But w/e.
The vma's were on 2nite. I didn't watch but I heard while Kylie
watched. Avril was on tho! Yay Avril! Mom is spending the night at
dad's- btw I don't think I mentioned that they are now back
together! :-D Adam called me today. We talked about the drunken
conversation I had with him the other night on im. Was nice to hear
from him. Jon was supposed to call me at 8:30 I think but he never
did :( I guess I will call him in a bit if I don't hear from him. I
think Im gonna start tryin to write in here a lot more often...
hopefully everyday n stuff. My computer got all gay last night n
still is but at least it's not completely gay like it used to get.
Sound still works and all... Just a tiny bit of a fucked up vibrating
motion on screen sorta. I'm still in Jon's Metallica shirt. I like
it :) NEways that's about it. N sorry bout all the little quiz
thingies all clutterin up the page... I just wanted to add them even
tho they don't look good. Maybe I should take them off? N just leave
my blog for that stuff. Well ttyl.

XOXO Rachel
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my eye is sore [30 Aug 2002|01:05pm]
Back at Jon's again. It's almost 5am. My eye is sore. I keep rubbing
it. I had a little more vodka tonight. Then we went to walmart n i
bought sox! N I fell down the stairs in them cuz they suck n my bum
hurts! lol. Then we kicked Joe outta the room so we could... ya
know... and I'm afraid I woke up the whole house!! :o) A little D&S
never hurt tho! Then that dude Kyle came over n is takin shots of JD.
N I came up to go on the computer n here I am. Me and Kylie didn't do
anything during the day today. I just stayed online all day N
Kylie... I dunno wut she did... I didn't pay attention. I got to scan
all my newest pics tho n I posted them at my fan club and on the
pantera board n stuff. NE ways thats about it I think. TTYL

xoxo
Rachel
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why does each entry have to have a subjetc? [29 Aug 2002|01:05pm]
Well anyways today was weird.. This whole week has been weird
actually. Not including tonight but the past 3 nights I have been
drinking hella vodka. Night one= 5 shots... Night two= 9 shots...
Night 3... Whaaaaaaaaa? I was completely fucked up last night. I went
online cuz Jon wuz mad at me and I talked to Kylie's friends
Courtney, Chris n Megan. Courtney is so nice! And so is Chris! They
were fun. I don't even wanna think about what kind of things I was
saying to them! I also talked to Adam. I was...omg... I was sayin
stuff...lol. I think I also gave my phone number out to a whole bunch
of people :o) Ooops... It was so hella fun though being so drunk tho!
Anyways about today... well Joe broke up with Emily on the phone
today! :( I happened to overhear but I went outside cuz I didn't need
to listen to that no more. I can't believe he did that. He's such a
cock n ball. I always hated how he acted with other girls and stuff
when Emily wasn't around. I always wanted to tell her too but I
figured that it probably wasn't any of my business. I just really
like Emily even though I may not show it. She's a very nice girl... a
lot like me in many ways... but she just doesnt deserve what he's
doing to her. Anyways I was worrying that Jon was gonna break up with
me too cuz Jon n Joe always wanna do the same stuff ya know? But
we're not breakin up. We fight all the damn time but we both know
that we love each other. Ah yeah and while drunk on the first night
Jon was havin me tell him all the guys that I think r hot and I did n
I said I think Andrew is pretty hot n now Jon thinks that I want him
but I don't!!!! Just cuz I think someone is hot doesn't mean nothin!
I only want Jon!!!!!!! Uhhhhhhhhhhhh my stomach hurts. I fucking hate
eating home cuz they make me eat so damn much n I feel sick. NEways I
think that's about it. TTYL

xoxo
Rachel

home on a tuesday [02 Jul 2002|01:01pm]
Thursday is the 4th of July and also mine & Jon's 11 month
anniversary so I'm staying over a couple days early this week. I hope
we don't get bombed on Thursday! I don't wanna die! Especially not on
our 11 month anniversary!!!!! Anyways lately things have been pretty
much the same as always. Spend most of my time at Jons house... but I
do come willingly here alone on Thursdays. It's nice to get a night
to myself actually. I like it. Also Andrew has been spending the
night on our couch in the basement EVERY single night. I think Andrew
is great but it kinda sucks that Jon and I don't get much privacy
anymore. It's almost like we are a 3-some. But don't get me wrong,
like I said I think Andrew is damn cool and I enjoy him haning out
with us most of the time. We get along great actually.I just would
like to have Jon to myself once in a while. And I'm also sick of
having to compete with pot for Jon's attention! I mean come on... I'm
competing with a fucking plant! Anyways we go downtown a few nights a
week. I love doing that. I don't really know why cuz I don't really
talk to too many people but I really do think that I'm getting better
with that. I think I'm growing into myself... I'm growing into the
world... or something. Jon came over here for a bit today cuz it was
my dad's birthday celebration. Shit I am supposed to call him like 7
minutes ago so I better go. Bye bye l8er.

xoxo
Rachel
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more bullshit [23 May 2002|01:00pm]
Jon didn't fucking come over again. 2 fucking weeks in a row! I was
so pissed cuz he had already told me that he was comin. Like we went
to Crossgates for a while today then I get here and he leaves. He
said that he "wanted to be alone" Well what about last time when he
wanted to be alone? He was with fucking Andrew. Whatever. Tomorrow
morning I have to be over at his house real early tho cuz we are
going to Vermont with his mom & Dick. Kylie is coming over in like
half an hour. At least that's cool. She's gonna sleep over too. Too
bad I have to go to Vermont tomorrow cuz we coulda hung out all
day... Well I don't have to go but I wanna go. Anyways, Jon lost 14
hundred dollars last night. He sent Geoff to go get the QP and then
he never came back and Joe called and said that Geoff's mom called
him and said that Geoff was arrested. Me and Justin were saying that
Geoff & Joe were probably just fucking Jon over and stealing his
fucking money. Now if he had listened to me in the fucking first
place then none of this would have happened and he's be 14 hundred
dollars richer. I warned him. I told him that it was incredibly
stupid but as always he said "You think everything I do is stupid"
Yeah, well I'm getting sick of some of the little comments like that
that he's been making. I love the boy to death but almost more times
than not hes fucking pissing me off. Whatever. Well thats about it.
Later.

!~*Rachel*~!
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Had a shot :( [17 May 2002|12:58pm]
I went to the doctors today and I ended up being talked into getting
a measles shot. It hurts :(. I miss Jon. I tried calling a bunch of
times but nobody is picking up. He prolly still asleep :( I wanna see
him. Well I'm just updating this journal cuz I haven't done it in a
while. Bi Bi.

xoxo
Rachel