Endless abyss of nonsense and sorrows
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2002-10-16 05:02:57 (UTC)

Oct 12 - Other Stuff

I hurt so bad right now. Leah decided that she wanted to
write out a whole letter to me... and save it for me to
read later... well... look for yourself:

Letter 2:
Well moo we made it back alive from kelsey b-day although
i kinda feel like a slut.....i mean don't get me wrong i
had fun. but i feel like i was rude to shawn and matt. i
mean i have talked so long about how horrible it is to
confuse ppl and how i hated it when ppl did that to me
well i mean i didn't realize what i did to them. i didn't
want to do it and it was the most selfish thing i had ever
done to n eone....i din't even know wat i was doing i was
just loney i just needed someone to put there arms around
me hold me i guess it was one of the most i dunno....i
already felt bad about the whole th ing but when i called
matt i was like that was soooo wierd last night...and he
said ya it confused alot of ppl....and shawn told him on
the way home 'i wish she would stop talking about matt
herrmann' i feel like well shit i mean moo how could i be
so stupid i was just like russ.,....the one person i
promised i would never be like ever. And then i got
online and talked to shwan about chelsey...and i know he
wanted me to explain or somthing becuase i wanted that
with russ more than n e thing. and i can't help it but i
am dreading monday becuase of matt i like him so much so
very much and the worst thing is that when u and matt were
so close i dunnno it sort of bothered me and i do mean
brooks...i tell u im selfish but cause u know wat i don't
want matt and i wouldn't ever probally i just dunno last
nite i was wierd but i mean sometimes i feel left out of
the whole world thing becuase of the way i act well ya lol
thats a no brainer i did some really stupid things last
night really i mean i am usually all about making myslef
suffer if other ppl are happy. and i know that u like
austin and i mean don't get me wroung bout how i said that
it bothered me because i don't care becuase it does make
matt brooks happy lol he could use some self confidence
literaly. andi dunno matt herrmann knows that u have a
b/f and he is still going for u wen i m here and somehow
that just hurts me worse then n e thing i don't know
y....maybe just becuase i have liked him since that day i
played hack wit him he just has this look this way about
him hes so calm one min and then so hyper the next. i
dunno i m just looking for a b/f and hes the only guy i
can see like that right now but what ever makes him happy
is good id on't wnat him to go out wit me and be unhappy
if he wants u then i want him to be happy so if u do like
him then u should go for it idon't want either of u guys
to not be happy and stuff. i just wish that things could
be different...this is weird i mean i m like writing my
deepest thoughts to u and this is stuff i would lock away
from the world so if n e of this pisses u off then don't
say n e thing......i dunno how i can be this misserable
and not be wishing that he would love me cause i know that
if he doesn't it is best I mean before i would wish i
could make a guy like me make them want me but now i dunno
well I can’t explain how I feel I wish I could but I
dunno. Wow this word thing is easy to read maybe it will
kick start my brain. I really wanted to go into the ski
swap because for some reason I thought that maybe just
maybe I could see matt who knows. MY FLOOR IS GOING TO BE
HARD WOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lol I really wish
I would not like matt herrmann I wish I could just about
how I feel, maybe I should right a weird email to him lol
that would be crush suicide. I don’t want to be rejected
but I really don’t want to be rejected for my best friend
that seems to happen a lot lattly. Ur so lucky never
doubt that I mean u have Austin and I mean ur going to be
thinking as u read this that that has caused more trouble
but he loves u he really does when I got online the other
day and we had the two messangers signed on he was like
hey moo…and when I told him that this was leah he was like
weres moo?? He really does then u have a guy like 19 I
think that is totally trusting u totally caring about u
and u can tell him everything. Then u have all of ur
friends. And a lab top. And a sterio and a tv I know
these r all matireal possecians though. U h ave the love
of a lot of ppl matt brooks to lol if that makes u feel
more special. And the one thing that means the most to me
right now the love of matt herrmann and when ur around he
doesn’t even know I m alive. I still can feel that
feeling it was the weirdest feeling when u guys were up
there laying on that mat thingy and he had his arm around
u. I have never even wanted to cry n ewere near public…and
right at the moment I thought ‘Don’t cry damnit u will
not cry over this wait tell ur alone then u can cry’ so I
let the feeling fall deep inside me as usual. But as I sat
there just looking at that mirrior seeing him and u. it
got worse. Really bad. I remember jake saying I m sorry
leah I m sorry and like that made it better I was just
like its not a big deal. And I turned torwards matt
brooks and was like hey lets go for a walk a long fucking
walk. sorry bout the lauguge but that is wat I said. He
must of taking a hint because he had no trouble standing
and leaving. I thought o well they shouldn’t make out if
jake is there I hope. We walked and I cussed o did I
cuss. We walked a lil ways and then I said ok I m fine
lets go back. I thought It would be ok if I went back.
But after about 5 10 mins of it I was like ok lets go
this time ur brother came, and I th ought well there goes
the safty but at that point I was barely keeping myself
together, I told myself If u cry i m gonna make u commit
suicide but even as I said that l couldn’t see straight
cuase of my stupid eyes. Jake was like wats wrong….and I
was like I wonder…there in there all over each other and
jake said well is he only supposed to like just u and I
said I guess not even though in my head I was thinking
well that would be nice. He said well sure I mean he has
liked my sister for a while and she has liked him but
Austin has stood in the way and know matt is thinking
about u and ur beginning to stand in the way too…and I
think that kinda worried me I didn’t and still don’t want
to be the reason for n e ones confusion especially someone
that I care so much for. I didn’t want to cause n e more
trouble I just wanted him to care about me like I care
about him and that’s all I wanted but I didn’t want to be
trouble. As we walked back towards his house I started
remembering how when we first got in there after I hadn’t
seen him in a long time I felt relief like I had calmed
down. And I think that that is kinda psycho cause I
barely know him but I can’t think of him not being a part
of my life even if he is just a friend. And I started
thinking that if I went back that it was just more time
were I could see him were I could hear him and even if
things were weird I would know that with us he might not
get into trouble…because I think in a way that he is
throwing away his life and I don’t want him to but u can’t
help someone that wont take the help. When we got back I
sat down and thought a lot about every thing about how
immature I had been acting, how selfish. And then he did
this hand stand on that thingy and I saw him with out most
of a shirt and was like o…umm excuse me while I pick my
tongue off the ground. Lol at that point I just decided
that thinking was getting me no were and I stood up being
sad….i m sorry that I am telling u all this Im hoping it
doesn’t make u feel sad I just wanted u to know how I felt
and y I was so weird that night and I mean I like how I
can feel semi comfortable telling you this because I have
never felt this easy with speech with n e one else
something about not saying this to ur face not seeing ur
reaction makes it easyier I guess. Plus I know that wen I
type my brain half shuts down and I don’t think about how
my words leaving me unprotected vanurable…..there is one
more thing that I hope u never lose that I wish i had in
my persoinaliy self confidence….it is the one thing that
will probally last forever that will be the thing that
gets u through all the hard times. I hope that I will
pick it up from hanging out with u this much maybe I might
get over the one really big thing that is screwing my life
up. I have never felt true peer pressure. I hate to say
that it happens all the time even if u don’t have someone
asking u to smoke or drink right there. I know ur
wondering ok were did this idea come from? but I have a
point. The whole group of stoners..i mean they r nice to
me and they have never treated me with n e kind of
disrespect but I don’t smoke and that separates us…like an
invisibale wall. I felt that to get close to matt I would
have to smoke but u got there so I know it is possible and
after how much trouble the other matt is having I don’t
want to start. EVER no matter how much I would like to
see if it is good or not or if it helps me calm down but
this seems to do a good job I mean I m still going to be
thinking of matt I mean how can I stop but now I know
someone else knows how I feel they might just maybe even
understand it…..thankz moo.

The hightlighted section is where I cry. I cant believe I
did that to her. I wasnt trying to be that "close" to
him. Matt and I are really good friends... and I was
happy to see him, and same for me..... but.... i guess
seing him be happy to see me kinda hurt her.... and....
now i feel so bad.... i feel like a horrible person, and
that I dont deserve friends, cuz all i do is flirt with
the guys they like, and I dont even realize im doing it...
and I end up hurting them without even knowing it.... Im
so sorry leah....

Earlier tointe leah and i just sat in the hottub having
fun. I convinced her to let me borrow this really cute
bikini... just for fun... lol. There wasnt anyone to
show off to... but oh well. We talked a lot about
guys... a lot. She talked a lot about how she thought
Austin genuinley liked me... but she wasnt so sure because
of recent events... but she said that if he does decide to
get back with me, he's lucky to have me. She also
mentioned that Davin was lucky that he had someone to talk
to like me, and that i should shut up and not talk about
him so much cuz she was jealous cuz he was so cute ^_^
haha. I told her to back off or i would bite her. lol.
Joking around... of course. We talked a lot about the guy
she likes... (if you read the letter you know who that
is). I talked to her for an hour about how I wish she
would just quit being so shy and actually get to know
guys.. cuz I know if she did, she would be a lot more
popular with them. She's a sweet girl, and she deserves
so much more than what she gets.

Well, I think Ive bored you enough for tonite.... so see
ya later..... OH and I got a really cool Hemp neclace
that I stole from Matt B. (heehee) its spiffy and has a
cool little shroom. It looks cool with my Black tank top
(it has an awesome blue design) and the black pants that
Leah makes me wear cuz i look "good" in them ^_^ haha...
i swear that chick wants me to go goth all the way with
her or something.

See ya.... and thanx for listening... whoever you are

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