Endless abyss of nonsense and sorrows
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2002-10-16 05:01:35 (UTC)

Oct 12 - Deepest of thoughts

I feel like I should tell you the deepest of my thoughts,
I have many of them rushing around in my head right about
now, and sorry if this isnt the most creative of my
writings, but Im kinda fuddled up... so sorry.
Like always... I kinda feel alone. I always feel
alone. I know God is always there with me, but I still
want someone by my side. I feel like im such a dumb
person, cause i want a relationship that older people
usually have.... I dont want those dumb little flirty
relationships where all that is important is to be
constantly touching eachother... i want a real
relationship with someone... I want someone who is always
happy to see me... who i can just show up at their house,
and we can just chill without having a care in the
world... one that i dont have to worry about him fooling
around with someone else cuz he loves me, one that i dont
have to worry about him using me for the same reason. I
want someone who really seriously cares for me... more
than most anything... that sounds so selfish. I want
someone who i can be comfortable with, like a best friend,
but closer than that....
Maybe im too picky... maybe im asking too much...
maybe i just need to crawl in a hole and live as a hermit
for the rest of my life and never have to worry about
being abused, i dont have to worry about my heart being
ripped out, i dont have to worry about being cheated on...
I dont have to worry about anything...
A lot of what goes on in my mind has to do with
Austin. I went out with him for a long time and he told
me he loved me, and I loved him..... then he started
working and didnt have any time for a relationship.. or so
he said. I dont know... He would come home at 6 every day
and usually go do something with his friends, but he would
never call me or come see me. He says he has no time for
me... but he always had time to go do something with his
friends.... i felt so alone, and unwanted...i cried all
night long for weeks.... he told me that we needed to
take a break cuz it was really stressing to be in a
relationship right now, cuz he was trying to get his life
together, and it was hard to do that, hang out with his
friends, and manage to find time for me. He said he felt
guilty for not giving me the time that I "deserve" He
said that once he got his life together he wanted us to
hook up again.... and that we would be super good friends
untill then..... but.... we've done nothing but grow
apart..... i dont know if anything will ever happen again
between us..... i cry.
Davin is on my mind a lot too.... he is like, the
most awesome guy I know... hes so much nicer than anyone
down here... he is like, my best friend right now. He even
listens to me and puts up with more of my crap than Lyns
does. Amazing that he still talks to me. But... I hate
myself... I find myself thinking how I wish I could be
with him... and i always wonder if he wishes the same...
but of course not... no one ever does. Right now, the age
barrier between us is killing whatever dreams i have. As
of now, it just looks like a stupid kid crush to anyone
else.. someone liking someone a bit too old and out of
leauge. I try so hard to force those thoughts out of my
mind, and focus on being the best friend I can be... But
it is hard.... hes like, everything ive ever looked
for..... he even likes anime and gir for Christ's sake. I
cant understand or explain it... it just feels like he
matches the profile of everything ive been looking for....
but, again im sure that sounds really retarded and im sure
it creeps him out majorly. *sigh* I just dont know
anymore.... if only I was a little older... maybe i would
have a chance.... i shouldnt think like that though......
~~Long pause as Manda stares at the ceilling... after 20
minutes of thinking she forces what she was thinking about
out of her brain... She feels a little better... ~~
Im going through a fation crisis here. Im
going... so-so goth. thats what everyone sez anyways. Im
just wearing a LOT of black and some blue to go with it...
i must be the first Christian goth ive ever seen. I dont
know what it is about black.. i just like it i guess.
Guys look DANG SEXY in it too! oh my word!! Excuse me
while i pick my toung off the floor!! Guys are just yummy
in black... I cant express it enough... im not too teribly
into the nylons or whatever on the arms.. but still....
even is that is just yummy.... *drool* haha. It makes
me feel a lot better to think of guys dressed in black. I
need some pictures of guys dressed in black.... ^_^
*dreamy look* but AnYwAyS, we were talkikng about my
fation crisis.... well, i guess its not a crisis... but i
just dont get why i like black so much lately... i look
like a dead person a lot of the time... (actually i got a
comment about how sexy i look in black) but still, in my
opinion, I look dead. I havent gone so far as black
fingernail polish or lipstick ( I hate lipstick.. on
anyone... especially black ) But you never know. I just
got the black baggy-ish pants and the black (or blue)
shirts, and the eyeliner... and soon the dark dark hair (
im thinking about blue streaks) so its nothing BIG... but
it looks a lot better than what I used to wear. I used to
be such a serious preppy. lol.
Last night was really weird. My friend Kelsey had
her Birthday Party yesterday. We had about 4 guys and 6
girls come over... not a big party... Just closest
friends.... I dont understand it... i just wanted to
flirt with someone so bad... well, I saw kelsey sitting in
her boyfriends arms watching the movie.... maybe i just
wanted that. That would be so cool to stay up all night
with a guy and watch anime (of course) movies with them.
Bonus if they were wrapped around me. lol. Too bad no one
around here likes anime that much. Too bad no one around
here likes ME that much. I did however get a REALLY
relaxing back masage. I complained to Matt for about 1/2
an hour about how my back hurt and he finally gave in and
rubbed my back. ^_^ hehe. Halfway through the second
movie i made Shawn let me satisfy my need to play with
someones hair. I had already done some hairstyles on the
girls earlier... so that kind of hair playing was done and
over with. But i layed on the couch and he sat on the
floor in front of the couch. Its so fun to just either
run you hands through their hair or just twist locks of
hair in your hand.... dunno why.. but its really fun. It
wasnt too terribly satisfying with shawn, cuz its only
really cool if its with a guy you like. ^_^ lol.
Well, Leah is whining that i have to get off the
laptop now... cuz she wants to type me another letter ^_^
haha. Ill write later today.