Ebony Wishes

Reflection of A Shattered Soul
2002-10-16 03:47:35 (UTC)


I was crying. Bitter, confused, lost. I hated it. But
you know what? It felt good. Im not even apologizing to
the people who I bitched off at. Know why? Because I
don't need to. I don't need to be the one who's always
apologizing for the truth. I'm letting everything. No,
I'm not gonna commit suicide for those of my friends who
won't believe me when i say no. It is tempting though, but
I won't. I've had enough of being used, pushed around,
being a backup friend, taken for granted and being a
convenient person for ppl to talk to when there is no one
better to talk to. I HATE IT. AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH. I
need to reevaluate everything in my life. Everything.
Especially those ppl ive befriended. I want to know in
the end who's gonna be there for me through everything and
who's just around for all the good. I'm not trying to test
my friendships. i don't mean to. But i need to find out
for myself, those ppl i can really call friends. I've been
hurt before and it's painful.. I hate it. I don't want to
go through the same thing again. I despise it when im the
only one who tries to keep up a friendship. It's typical
of me, but i hate it. Some friendships I know i need to
lose. Others I am not sure. It is hard for me to let go
of any friend, because i put a lot of myself and my time
into the friendship. Letting go, is to see if there is
anything worth holding on, or the friend is happier with
someone else... I hate to be left behind, but i don't
really complain. I just suffer and seeth silently. It
can't go on. I want to let everything go, wash everything
away. And in the end, want to see wat remains and what
doesn't because it wil make my life easier. I am as
shattered as it is. And I can't really keep going on like
this, quietly taking everything, i have to change. To let
go of all I know and go on a vacation away from everyone so
i can think and figure out what i really want...and that i
don't even noe....

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