~E

My Crimes
2002-10-16 01:54:12 (UTC)

it's happening again

I'm feeling ugly fat and useless. I don't want to be
touched I don't want to be looked out. I have gained a lot
and I don't fit into any of my clothing. I'm not happy with
the way I look but the only thing I do when I'm sad is eat
more. I'm depressed and in a very bad cycle.
I'm worried about what's going on.
Jacob doesn't understand. He doesn't understand why what
he says doesn't sink into my head why he doesn't see me the
way I see me. he thinks I'm beautiful and pretty and sexy
I see me as someone who doesn't fit into her pants anymore
who bought underwear that doesn't fit and wants to cry
about it. I need new clothing but I'm so scared to buy
anything b/c I wont try it on b/c I don't want to know how
much I have grown. my clothing doesn't fit anymore!
I have lost my sex drive. Jacob's is still going strong.
I have a female check up on the 21st or the 23rd of this
month. I freaking hate those things. they make me feel so
gross and I'm really scared to get a call saying I have
some kind of an STD or some shit like that. I know I don't
or atleast I don't think I do. but none the less...
bleh....
I just want to eat but I don't want to eat anything.
talk about a fucked up cycle I am in. and to make it worse
my tummy is in hell b/c of my messed up eatting habbits!

~E




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