No Matter How Hard I Try...
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2002-10-15 18:59:34 (UTC)

dont follow your heart cuz your heart always gets in the way

Fuck it. Fuck it all. No matter what I do no matter how
hard I try it always fucking falls apart. Is it just me? I
don't know what I could have done. Besides doing whatever
he fucking wanted. Anything, it was done. I just don't get
it. There is nothing more I could have done. Why can't
things just be normal? Why? Why did I agree to let it be so
complicated? Why did I wait? WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO
DESERVE THIS? Wait, I know the answer. I cared. I'm so
fucking stupid. I let my guard down and got walked on like
a dirty fucking doormat. Maybe that's all I amount to. That
or I'm fucking gullable and believe what people tell me. I
shouldn't have let him get to me ever, I shouldn't have let
my guard down. "Don't follow your heart cuz your heart
always gets in the way" Please, anyone who reads this, just
think about that last quote. MY HEART SUCKS! Why? I don't
understand. I wanted to let my guard down, I wanted to open
up to him, I want to, I did, I want him to want me. But
somehow deep in me I have a feeling it's over. Then again I
don't. I am so confsued. I am going into anger and sadness
streaks. Which isn't good at all. And now I'm sitting here,
shaking like a fucking leaf, wondering. It's all my fault.
I let him in and I waited too long. Of course, I could be
over exaggerating after he blew me off so I couldn't talk
to him. Am I that bad? All my friend say I am the best he
could ever get...if that's true why is he putting me
through this? They say he doesn't see what's in front of
him...but how can I make him open his eyes? I don't want to
force anything on him. "I'll be there everytime you need
me. But for now I look so longingly, waiting for you to
want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me" I did
everything I could to make him happy. EVERYTHING. What else
could I do? He just ran away. Are my friends right? Is he
afraid of commitment? He could be, his past would support
that. Are they right in saying I can do better? No. He is
the best I can ever do becasue all in all he is the best.
And I probably don't deserve a chance with him. And I just
can't take this. "But you can't fake it hard enough to
please everyone, or anyone at all, or anyone at all, the
grave that you refuse to leave the refuge that you built to
flee, the places that you've come to fear to the most. It's
the place that you have come to fear the most"
I just need to know what went wrong. And I want to ask him
so bad but I don't think he cares. I gave him 4 months of
my life and we never even dated. I don't give ANYONE 4
months, they usually get a week or two if that. So it says
a lot. I blew 4 months. Now I am being pushed away, looks
like I was just a number...unless that was a game. I need
to go I can't see anymore.