Dookie

Mind of a Wierdo
2001-08-03 21:16:27 (UTC)

A moment in Time

A while back before Chris and I got together. I heard
things from friends. 'He likes you'. And I always denied
it. I didnt' want to believe it. He liked someone else as
far as I knew. And it wasn't possible that he would like me
cus I am me. Well ... we went to the Winter Ball together.
Just as Friends. Just to have fun. We danced to three
songs. And we took pictures. One was with a group and then
he said that his mom wanted one with me and him. So I was
like .... umm yea okay I guess. Well the last dance we
danced together was K-Ci and JoJo's 'Crazy'. The dance was
just a dance but I didnt realize it would mean so much to
me until what happened after. Normally when a dance ends
you kno .... you walk away. I went to do that and he held
on and said 'Can I just hold you?' I mean I was uneasy
about in a way but ... I dont kno. After that the song
stuck and it means so much to me. (the only reason why this
was brought up is because the song is playing right now) I
consider the song to be 'our' song. But it isnt that way.
Any song by K-Ci and JoJo reminds Chris of Vi. Yea he liked
her and he still does but he is trying to let her go. It
isnt so easy for him cus he has liked her almost three
years now. And I kno he probably wont ever come across this
cus he wont read it. Yea he knows about it, but I dont
think it matters cus he wont come across this. I want him
to kno that it is killing me but I cant tell him that cus
then ....... *sigh* it is hard to explain. Sorry. I want
this song to be ours. But I can't play it around him or he
always responds with 'you are opening wounds' I get so
happy when I hear the song ... but then I cry. Cus I kno it
can't be ours. And I have told him ...... that I feel like
I am losing him. And he just says that I'm not goin to. I
get scared and teary eyed. I mean I shed one or two tears
and then I come to my senses of ... whatever happens I have
to accept it. And the thing with why K-Ci and JoJO songs
remind him of Vi is because Vi liked one of the songs that
they sang a long time ago. So now every song is reminding
him of her. Other then that I kno he will never kno my
feeling about this song and what it means to me. I kno I
should tell him but I tried and it didnt hit him the way I
had hoped. I made the mistake of playing it when he was
around and I got sooo happy. Then he says 'do you have to
play that ... you are goin to open wounds about Vi'
Everytime I hear him say that.... the moment in time that I
had with him and this song gets taken away. Everytime ... a
piece of that dance and his words are slipping away. And I
want to say something ... but he wont listen. Maybe I am
getting too soft. I feel like a damn girl ......... GOD
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. Maybe it is this entire love thing.
I have to admit though...... he is the only other human
being that I can say I am in love with. But he can't say
that about me because there is Vi. He tells me he loves me
and I tell him I love him. But I kno that I am not the only
one on his mind. And right now I can tell you he is the
only one I think about most. I think about my friends
yes ...... but Chris probably makes up most my day. I just
dont kno what to do with the song.......... because it
kills me when I hear it ......... cus the only thing that I
think ....... is Chris saying 'do you have to play that.... you
are opening wounds' ..............................