The diary of a hardcore psycho punker --
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2002-10-15 05:31:27 (UTC)

My Testimony...

My Testimony

All my life, I grew up in the church. Mostly a spiritually
dead church but still, I was raised Christian and my
parents were Christians. When I was around 7, my mom sat
me down and asked me if I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart
after she explained it and I said yes so I did. From then
on, I thought I was fine and didn’t need anything more. I
thought that was what Christianity was – a one time thing.
Boy was I wrong! When I got older and I could understand
things more, I didn’t understand enough to turn to God when
I realized there was this hole in my heart that needed to
be filled by something. From when I was 10 until like 14,
I looked for everything I could find - friends, fun, guys,
etc. None of my friends were on fire for God so I didn’t
have that input in my life and my parents didn’t know what
was going on. No, I didn’t go out and do drugs or get
drunk or loose my virginity but gradually, I sunk into this
deep depression and I couldn’t find a way out. For like 4
years, I lived for myself, enticed by the world but too
scared to do anything drastic. My parents weren’t really
strong Christians during this time either so it seemed like
my whole household was against me and there was nothing
positive in my life. My mom often yelled and cussed and
screamed at my brothers and I and that made me so angry and
I took that anger out in self mutilation where I cut my
wrists and stuff. On the outside, I had it all together, a
family who loved me (parents & brothers & relatives), lots
of friends, and a church which made people think I was a
good lil Christian girl. However, on the inside, it was a
disgusting mess of me not thinking I was good enough for
anyone, thinking everyone was against me, and me
desperately looking for something to take the pain away. I
just wanted someone that would never fail me who loved me
unconditionally that would fill my heart up. Of course,
everything I was looking for was in God, but it took me
like 4 years to figure that out. When I was 14, my
spiritually dead church ended up merging with another much
bigger church because we got too small to stay together
financially. This bigger church, where I currently am at,
City Harvest, was totally spirit filled and on fire for God
and there was a totally different atmosphere there. I went
to the youth group and church on Sundays but the message of
God’s love never really sunk in until their first youth
camp called Ruthless Revival. I was at “chapel” on the
first night and I didn’t really participate or anything but
at one point, there was this alter call (I forget what it
was for) that I didn’t go up for and the people that didn’t
go up were still in the room worshipping or praying with
people and I was just standing there. The band continued
to play and slowly, this dam in my heart was starting to
break. At the time, I didn’t know what was happening or
what was going on with me but now I know that it was the
presence of God and I know He wanted my heart. My heart
was so cold and hard so I just stood there, holding back
the tears, trying not to let it be visible to anyone what
was really going on. Then, my friend’s sister, Angela,
came up to me and hugged me and told me it was okay to
cry. I didn’t realize I was that obvious and I was
thinking the whole time, what is happening? Is God telling
everyone I’m messed up inside? So I still continued to
fight it, even when it got harder and harder. Then, a
minute later, Angela’s sister, Hannah, my friend, came up
to me, not knowing what Angela did and hugged me and asked
me what was wrong. Deep inside, I knew I was going to
loose it any minute so I just told her I was fine and when
she walked away, I sat down, hoping no one would notice me
again. Maybe that was a green light for God to release His
love on me or something but when I sat down, I couldn’t
squeeze the tears back any more and I put my face in my
hands and everything just poured out in this huge rush. I
just said “okay God,” and I fell on my knees and the hurt
and pain I had for so long was being lifted off and
replaced with purpose and fulfillment. I don’t know how
long I cried there on the floor but everything broke inside
me and I couldn’t hold it together anymore so I let God
take it all and sure enough, He took me in His arms and
poured His love into me. I couldn’t make everything look
good on the outside so I just let God take it all b/c I was
so weak inside. At that point, I made the decision to turn
around and never go back to the place I was at. Sometimes,
of course, I still get off track and God has to set me
straight but by His grace, I have made a 180-degree turn in
my life and believe me, everything’s so much better than it
was before. I’m still learning every day to pick up my
cross and follow God but through every mistake, He teaches
me something and I just keep going towards Him, stronger
than the day before. Life’s still a struggle sometimes,
but of course, God never said it would be easy. Before,
life was easy but nothing good came from it and now, it’s
harder to stay disciplined to follow God but I’ve got a
promise of eternal life instead of hell. I’ve got real
joy, fulfillment, contentment, etc. Believe me, nothing
beats this! Nothing can compare to being so close to God!

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