a freak with a heart
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2002-10-15 02:10:27 (UTC)

Almost my birthday........ oh yay

Oct. 14th

my birthday's tomorrow, i'll be 17. and im not really
that happy. Thing have been weird with me for a few weeks
now. im not myself, i mean even if i act like myself im not
really inside. i've been feeling so alone. maybe because
it's almost my birthday and my best friend, the one i
usually spend it with i can't. or maybe because i never
seem to have happy birthday's, or maybe because my
boyfriend is miles and miles away. well whatever it's from
it's bothering me.
i feel very unhappy! you know what, i've never just said
im unhappy, i always describe it as depressed or stresses
or just miserable. but im not depressed or stressed or
miserable just unhappy. and i think being unhappy is even
sadder then being depressed! and nothing seems to make my
happy, well not for long at least. today my friend was
telling me about her new b/f. she's loved him for so long
and i tried to get her to tell him how she felt but she
never did, well until a week ago. she's so happy. her new
boyfriends name is Jeremy. he makes her so happy. when she
was telling about him today she couldn't stop smiling. you
could see it in her eyes that she's truly happy. he loves
her with all his heart as well. he lives to love her. she
was telling me about how they cuddle, and how she's never
had a guy who cares so much about her. and how she can
never be away from him. it made me want to cry, and made me
very jealous! although i have what she has ... i don't! im
not alone and yet i am. no matter how much i hurt inside
and no matter how much i wish it was me i am soooo happy
for her. she deserves a guy who loves her and treats her
right for once. lol Sam i hope you and Jeremy are happy
together, and no im not talking about myself here!
no matter how hard i try i can't seem to be able to
describe to anyone not even myself how i feel. but im
gonna try cause i really need to get some things out. i
feel like im in a bubble! no one can touch me and i can't
touch anyone. it's like i have this glass shield covering
me. not from the world but from ppl, and love, and warmth,
and happiness. sometimes when im sitting in class i just
feel like crying, for no reason. but maybe there is a
reason. a reason deep down inside of me. because im alone,
in the psychical sense anyway. i don't know what to do
anymore. i tried just ignoring how i feel but it doesn't
work anymore. can you imagine loving someone so much and
not being able to see them. hardly get to talk to them,
hear their voice? having to go 3 months at a time with out
so much as a hug. it rips you apart inside. and i guess
it's some what my fault because i never tell anyone about
how i feel. but i don't think they would understand if i
did. you can't really understand how i feel unless you
yourself have been through this. just sitting here typing
this is making me cry. i walk up and down the halls of my
school everyday seeing ppl holding hands, hugging, kissing,
smiling, and then there am i standing there with a fake
smile on my face and a dazed look in my eyes all the while
fighting to keep myself from screaming at the top of my
lungs, falling to my knees and crying! endlessly crying.

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