Midnight

The Nightshade Princess
2002-10-15 00:56:58 (UTC)

Within a great void

I'm so fucking sick of the pain. Every day I wake and
there is pain... my foot really needs the operation but we
haven't heard anything from my doctor. Normally, during
the course of the day, something happens to that foot that
makes it worse. Either I trip, or someone kicks it, or
someone drops something on it, or else my bandage comes off
and something gets into the wound. I have headaches when
exposed to direct sunlight, a thing which I am expected to
do quite frequently, despite my complaints. If, for some
reason, my allergys flare up on my, my thoat hurts so much
I can't speak, and then I get a sinus headache.
My mother has been force-feeding me all day and my
stomach is really hurting and I feel as though I'm 3 months
pregnant, when, in reality, it's just my mother attempting
to make me fat. She won't stop! She doesn't give a damn
that she's hurting me even though she's trying to help.
That's one of the biggest reasons I won't let her in.
Everytime she tries to help she only makes it worse. It
never fails.
I started crying during acupuncture today for some
reason, and I can't seem to stop. I hate crying. I hate
myself when I cry, especially in front of people. My
mother keeps prying and it's really pissing me off. I have
NO FUCKING PRIVACY!!!! She just wanders in my room
whenever she wants and tries to read everything on the
computer screen or starts asking too many goddamned
questions. I tell her I don't want to talk, and she asks
MORE questions about the same thing. She then wonders why
I get frustrated.
The acupuncturist thinks that I may be allergic to
soy. If I am, then I'll just have to fucking suffer
through it. She wants me to eat eggs, which disgust me,
and more "leafy greens" I loathe and resent salads. I
hate food in general. She says sugar is a possibility
too. I'm attempting to enjoy food again, but everything I
like is, as usual, being threatened. I'm tired of
suffering through joyless meals that are oversized and
boring. I'm tired of waking to pain and falling asleep to
the very same thing. I'm tired of my sleep being
tormented, only to wake in the freezing cold with nothing
to look forward to except a total of 5-10 minutes a day
with my love, whom I'm not even allowed to hug.
It appears that "getting better" means to drop
everything I love, everything that makes me feel happy or
beautiful, anything that brings me pleasure. If this is
the case, I don't want to get better. Maybe I don't want
to be saved, not in the way these people are trying to save
me. Perhaps I'm just too damaged. I hate the flesh in
which I am imprisoned, for all it brings is pain. The very
processes by which most people sustain and enrich their
lives have become mere tortures for me, another pain I must
endure. Everyone says that life isn't always pleasant, bt
all I find is pain here, pain and one love, one romance
glowing like a tiny candle's flame within a great void.




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