guy_at_ucla

guy_at_ucla
2002-10-15 00:20:11 (UTC)

fuck

See....... just when I think things are going alright, shit
happens. And it's not even me. At least the shit that
happens to me is shit that happens consistently. I know
that shit is going to happen, so I at least have time to
prepare myself and relax myself and deal with it.

But JOSEPH, on the other hand, is DRAMA. he got his dui,
got his car impounded, and NOW has to deal with his ex-
boyfriend who is being a complete asshole with him about
it. I, of course, don't know the whole picture cuz I don't
really talk to him, so how am I supposed to provide comfort
or advice? to begin with, I dont know how!! i'm not used
to it!! it's soooo frustrating to hear him tell me that he
wishes I were more comforting and more understanding... I
can't understand! I've never been thru his shit! I've never
been thru what he's going thru! If I were going thru it
instead of him, he probably wouldn't be doing a good job of
comforting and understanding ME!

And now it seems like he didn't get his car yesterday.
What the fuck happened?!?!? I don't fucking know cuz I
don't fucking ever get to talk to him! Cuz he never calls!
Cuz he doesn't wanna talk about it!! So AGAIN i'm left not
understanding, not sympathizing, cuz I do'nt know shit to
begin with! i hate this!

But god, I want him so bad. I want good times. I want
happiness and love and moments of bliss and orgasmic love-
making and dinner at nice restaurants and coming home to my
man and massaging him while he tells me what a hard day he
had at work but now he's glad he's home with me. *sigh.
THAT is not going to happen anytime soon. And maybe I can
deal with the not living together bit, but shit, now I
can't even SEE him if he can't drive. I sure as fuck can't
drive, and it only drives me to want to save up money and
at least pay off my driver's license to go to his place in
my mom's car. it's the first thing I should be able to do,
and I cna't do that since I have to pay off fucking SCHOOL
fees!! i can't do anything without fucking money.!! but
i'm not stressing. cuz like joe says, either you have it
or you don't. i can't even really explain my own shit with
him cuz it'll sound so trivial next to his real-life drama
and why pile something on him when he's got his own stuff
to do???

I just wish I could talk to someone who would understand
this mess. someone who could understand what i'm going
through. preferably someone who knows him and his
situation, too, but it seems i'm the only who really knows
the shit he's going through. ugh.

and i don't care about lafa. I want it to work for those
who are gonna stay after me, but fuck it. I don't wanna
care so much that it takes time away from what's important
to me. school, work, home, joe.

i don't even WANT to go home and have so much extra time to
think about things that i don't wanna think about. cuz if
I think about things I don't wanna think about, I only end
up stresssing and over-thinking things and worrying about
what time Joe's gonna call and just worrying and
stressing. and I absolutely HATE that. It affects me so
nasty. look at how weird I slept last night. in and out
of sleep all night long. looking at my phone making sure i
didn't miss his call. fuck.

i don't know. i really need to somehow take my mind off of
it til I'm actually talking to him. or i don't know, learn
how to handle things like this. there's no way i'm
breaking up with him. cuz when it's good, there's nothing
better. but all this bad shit is getting in the way of us
starting something absolutely beautiful.

last thursday night was amazingly tender and love-fillled.
we connected like never before. and it makes me wish for
the day when all this shit is over and done with so we can
begin our awesome life together. he's not bringing me down
with him. I'm gonna bring him up with me.

i need to let him know that i'm doing my best to better our
lives in the future. and unfortunately, i can only provide
emotional solace for him and I can't even do that well.

i need some emotional support. Juan can't even do that. He
won't understand. Richard and Kevin aren't really close
enough. so i'm on my own, which I hate cuz I'm not prepared
to support myself emotionally with nasty drama.

ok, i'm done with it for now.. not really, but i'm tired
of writing about it.




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