Blue Rosar

Song in Blue
2002-10-14 18:19:44 (UTC)

I Don't Want Pity, I Just Want What Is Mine...

So the title for this entry is a line from Faith Hill's new
song "Cry." That song pretty much sums up how I am feeling
about Josh at the moment. I can deal with being broken up
with, even if it was the first person I truly ever gave my
all to. There are two things I need to know if I am going
to be okay with the way that things ended.

First of all, I want to know the real reason he felt the
need to rip my heart from my chest, throw it on the
ground, and jump all over it. I got some lame excuse about
his friends not liking me and his friends being too large a
part of his life to be with someone that they can't stand.
I know that's not the real reason, he was way too mature
and too much of his own person for that excuse to fly. I
just want to know what the real reason behind his decision
was, then maybe I can start to get over all this once and
for all.

Secondly, I need to know that I mattered to him, and that
letting me go hurt just a bit. I remember the night that
it happened, I've only relived it about a million times.
His voice was monotone, pretty much void of all
expression. It happened over the phone, so I don't know
what his face was like. I want to know if it was breaking,
if it was taking all his control not to cry or let me know
that he was hurting. I want to know if the
expressionlessness came from a sense of trying not to let
me know that he was happy about the decision. I want to
know if he was alone when he made the call, or if someone
else had already taken my place and was sitting there on
the edge of Josh's bed, just waiting for him to hang up
before they turned off the lights and went into each
other's arms. I want to know if someone convinced him that
the decision was the right one, if they had to push and
push until he gave in. I just want to know what was in his
head right at that moment. I want to know if he cried.

Okay, so maybe that's a few more than two things that I
need. That I somehow have to find out. I wrote him an e-
mail today, just re-establishing contact. Eventually I'm
going to ask if I can go meet him somewhere, then I'll get
the answers to these questions. Nothing will come of it,
there won't be any relighting of old flames, but I need to
get my answers if I'm ever going to be able risk giving
myself to someone again. I just have to know.

Cry

By: Faith Hill

If I had just one tear running down your cheek
Maybe I could cope maybe I'd get some sleep
If I had just one moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery would be well spent
Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me

If your love could be caged, honey I would hold the key
And conceal it underneath that pile of lies you handed me
And you'd hunt and those lies
They'd be all you'd ever find
And that'd be all you'd have to know
For me to be fine

And you'd cry a little
You'd die just a little
And baby I would feel just a little less pain
I gave
Now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me

Give it up baby
I hear you're doing fine
Nothing's gonna save me
I can see it in your eyes
Some kind of heartache
Honey give it a try
I don't want pity
I just want what is mine

And you'd cry a little
You'd die just a little
And baby I would feel just a little less pain
I gave
Now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me




Ad: