kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
confusion and lack of sleep
I cried myself to sleep last night. This whole kinda
liking Dave thing has gotten me all worked up. I didn't
plan on thinking about him before bed and I certainly did
not plan on crying about him.
I let all my feelings from Saturday night and seeing him
and Mandy having such a good time get to me. I just don't
know what to do now. I didn't not come to any major
conclusions as to how I feel about him, but it was still
damn hard to deal with.
I want him to come over soon so I can be around him
again. I think that will help me out a lot in my
conclusions. There are so many questions in my head and
heart that I need to find answers to.
If he does come this weekend I hope I don't turn into a
blubbering mass like usual and not say much. I've been
getting better at being able to talk to him. The day I
can finally just be around him and have it be totally
natural is probably when I'll know how I feel about him.
My not being able to express myself when he's around might
mean this is all just a big crush. If it's big crush then
I hope it can go away. I was enjoying knowing that I
simply thought he was hot, but we would never work out.
Now I am not so sure...I almost think we could be an ok
couple. If it was meant to be then things will turn
around and work out.
I just have to remember that all of this is in God's
plan. He's telling me something here and I have no clue
what it could be. I guess I ought to take time to figure
it out. He doesn't usually fool around too much.
The first thing I have to do is seriously face the fact
that I might have deep feelings for Dave. If I can do
that I'll probably be able to at least sleep at night.
I cried for like an hour last night. I was reading some
stuff online and went to bed around 1am. The second
playing of Porn and Chicken was playing. I cried through
the whole second half of it. I turned the TV off at 2 or
so. Then managed to get up at 8.
I wanted to talk to Dave last night. He wasn't ever
online though. I did send him an e-mail saying I'd taped
Porn and Chicken. I also said I hoped he had slept well
and called him slave just for fun. I also mentioned my
desire to make a porn film. I have mentioned that
I probably ought to head out from here and get my morning
mocha to wake up. I will also have to face the wrath of
my layout and design teacher since I didn't do much work
on my poster this weekend. I had hoped to do more last
night than I did. Obviously my mind wasn't in a good
state to do that.
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