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2002-10-14 06:20:23 (UTC)

The what ifs and what nots

It was my 25th birthday last week. My grandmother whom I
was very close to died that day. I was there and held her
hand through it...until it turned cold. I told her that I
thought she was the most beautiful and kindest woman and
how proud I was to have her in my life. I was proud of her,
I told her. When she went to hospice I saw how quickly she
had went from walking and talking to lying in a bed barely
able to open her eyes, mouth gaping wide open gasping for
each breath..I brought her a picture of her holding Chloe
and told her thankyou for sharing the most beautiful day of
my life with me..For knowing my daughter. Watching her go
was the worst thing I ever had to do..I was so helpless.
Everyone kept asking me if I was ok...They were sorry
that it happened on my birthday..When I first saw her in
her room at hospice I prayed for the FIRST time in my life.
I wanted her to be out of pain, and for grandma ellingson
to make herself be known to her on this final journey. My
mom told me when she sat with her that night that she awoke
to grandma saying "momma"..and that was before I told mom
about my prayer.
My ex husband and his new wife had thier baby today. A
girl. I drove 50 miles to the hospital so that Chloe could
meet her little sister. This whole thing has been more than
I can take. I feel like that was suppose to be my baby and
my family but I feel like a bitch when I say that. I know
her dad, my ex, is starting the "phasing out" by not having
time to play house with my daughter anymore. He was not
sure about having her last time and this weeked he can't
because "we have a baby". Well he should have thought about
that when he pulled down his britches. I will not let her
be pushed out like that. If he wants nothing to do with her
then he best tell me now and not drag it on. He has a son
that he hasn't seen since he was 9 months old and he is now
12 years. Having a new family and an old child from an ex
is complicated..I guess.
All I want in the world is another baby. I was
desperate for a while and I tried with two men. I was
serious with each at different times, not the same...I
wasn't stupid. I just want to have a family again and be
The hospital that they had the baby at today is the
SAME one that my ex took me to for a mental breakdown of
sorts and left me there alone. This has been building up
for some time now. I am going crazy.
I am behind in school because I took a day (my
birthday) to mourn and be in a stooper..Another I had a
bladder infection. I called my teacher to get the
assignments and somehow she got me confused with another
student and gave me only 1/2 the lesson so even with effort
on my part trying to get caught up I am still FUCKED.
My daughter is wierded out and confused by the whole
baby thing but that is to be expected. She cried herself to
sleep tonight wanting me to "snuggle" her, she even wanted
me to hold her hand. There is something wrong..I keep
gettinig told that its the men that come into and out of
her life. How would you take that if somone told you that
about your life. Everything that I have done up to this
point is a complete failure.
I could have two babies if I had let the first one live
and grow in my tummy..If I have anything I wish I could go
back and do over and make right...that would be it. My
little Amber Sky. I hope that she can wait for me but most
of all forgive me. God I feel you carrying me and I feel
like a failure because you have been carrying me so very
long in this journey..The set of footprints in the sand are
one as far back as I can see.