Ragefreak16

Marc's Journal
2002-10-14 06:16:12 (UTC)

i dont know what to think

i actually got out of the house...and bought things...more
notably a nifty cd burner..without having the pleasure to
burn cd's as of now..wow im so cool..anyway Jovan is
pretty cool to talk to..pretty funny...as of this
entry..its been days since ive spoken to rob...ahhh
another one starting to slip..

inside my evil mind...i dreamed up of a scenario where
everyone in the world is in one big room...then a voice
(god if u must) says u will now be paired with the person
you are meant to be with...then..everyone does..except
me..all by myself having to walk out of the room by myself
feeling the eyes of pity shine upon me..people i know who
were in the dream were...Rob paired with Jackie..(?)..Mom
with my dad..(awww)..My cousin Jessica with some guy i
never saw before..my other cousin Adelina..(call her Kika
from now on..old nickname)with Hector..Jovan with
Johana..Luis with Christina..Vicky with David..and last
but not least Alberto with Michelle..all of them watched
me walk out alone...it was really quite sad.
for some reason Alberto (Bert) had his guitar with him.
maybe i just always imagine him with it.

i wonder if Jovan really knows how fucked up i am
inside..last time i told somebody..(Brian) he used it
against me..in a long list of insults..and abuse..of
course his life is doing just good..with whatever the fuck
her name is..i dont care..of course somehow..in his little
mind..insulting me will be a perfect way to help with my
depression.wow brian what a great idea!..and telling me to
get over my depression..will just work instantly..no..he
doesnt really care to think how i feel does he..i wish he
could feel how i do everyday before he judges me..then
well see how quick he is with that tongue of his..i guess
it was partly my fault..for trusting him enough to tell
him..its so fucking damn near impossible to talk to
someone about depression..or if youre feeling sad or
anything negative..it just is..nobody wants to
listen..nobody..but when they have their problems..they
come running at you with non stop chatter about what is on their
mind..i think im going insane

i wish i can get a sign...that my life will not be as bad
and lonely as i believe it will be.

There must be something
In the way I feel
That she don't want me to feel
The stare she bares cut me
I don't care
You see so what if I bleed

I could never change
Just what I feel
My face will never show
What is not real

A mountain never seems to have
The need to speak
A look that shares so many seek
The sweetest feeling
I got from you
The things I said to you were true

I could never change
Just what I feel
My face will never show
What is not real

I could have lied I'm such a fool
My eyes could never never never

Keep their cool
Showed her and I told her how
She struck me but I'm fucked up now

But now she's gone yes she's gone away
A soulful song
That would not stay
You see she hides 'cause she is scared
But I don't care
I won't be spared

well thats all that is on my mind right now..enough to
throw at this emotional sponge that is my online journal..
tomorrow is school...
goodnight Marco
-marc-





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