Crazy Girl

Diving Under
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2002-10-14 01:55:18 (UTC)

Confused really isnt the word for it

There is really no word for what I am feeling. Sad is one
but not. I dont understand it really. I mean I do but I
dont. I had this real emotional talk with my mother about
everything that is going on in my life. I know my life isnt
as hard as some other people, I mean it could be, it is
kinda the same pain but in a different way. I really miss
the way life once was when we werent all fighting with each
other. And that isnt all of what is going on.

The first thing we talked about was what is going on with
me and Heather. My mom used to be very found of Heather,
but she thinks it is my mistake for being the way I am,
Forgiving of everything. But then again so is she. And that
is why it worked for so long. It is weird because I was
reading emails from when we were really really good friends
and still very immature. We sounded more mature then we are
right now. Right now we are acting like childer to each
other and we act like we dont care. But I am in so much
pain. I can admit that, I have been very hurt but yet I
dont understand all of it. But the way we were before... we
just didnt care about the world that we were in. We cared
about each other and we wanted our future to include each
other always. Those were the days we were so certain of
life. And now, we both are saying "fuck it" and "fuck you"!
What is wrong with us?! We are both being VERY stupid. And
if you get mad at me for saying that we are stupid Heather,
be my guest. I am certain of one thing though, no matter
how hurt I am I will always be there for her. She may not
feel the worth of what that means but I am sure she will
someday. I will be there when she needs me, even if she
says she hates me. I dont want her to hate me and I really
dont know if she hates me. But all I know is that we are
ideots! So stupid for not holding on to each other, because
it was hard. Because it was fucking hard. That is so wrong.
I know she doesnt feel the same way about me, but I hope
some day she will. I hope some day she comes back and tells
me that she does need me and want to keep being friends.
But if I am just being stupid for what I believe then I
will be happy I am stupid. But I know who is my true
friend, and that is what matters.

The second thing me and my mother talked about was my
father. It has been very hard to deal with the lose of my
best friend with my father around. He never makes anything
easy for me. I think he hates me. Or he just wishes I was a
boy. He didnt get to see my older brother turn 17 and live
his life. Why wouldnt he want another boy. He had his
perfect daughter, why does he need another. And the way he
treats my mother, hurts me even more. The reason she puts
up with his shit is because of me and my brother. I wish
she would break free and be happy. I also wish that I
wouldnt have been the reason and I regret that most. She
loves my father very much but my father would pick anyone
before me and my mother. And that is the truth. I am just
another kid and my mom is just a paycheck to him. I just
really wish that I could have shared this with my (best
friend). She always made things different, she helped me. I
wish I could have done the same thing for her. But I guess
I was a stupid bitch and didnt help her. All I know is life
is complicates. And I really hope I made a difference