texas23mf

Sanity Online
2001-08-03 01:48:50 (UTC)

selfish?

is it really wrong to be selfish about my feelings? i
don't think i can get hurt again so i put up this defensive
wall and then get called selfish. i can't believe D_
kissed K_ while i was asleep. i know we aren't together
but damn it. if you sleep with someone for 6 months, you
would think that they would have some respect for you.
granted, he's not the brightest and definitely not the most
mature. bullshit, we're not bf and gf. it doesn't
matter. you still can't use people like that. i really
thought he liked me. i really did. and i can't decide if
i still like him or if it's just a security thing. i know
i will never ever look at him the same way. ever. he will
always be that guy that fucked me over.

it doesn't help that no one really cares. B1_ cares but he
just doesn't know what to say. he's so sweet...i wish i
hadn't stopped hanging out with him for D_ and B2_. It
just feels like i'm in a crowded room screaming at the top
of my lungs but noone can hear. damn it...listen to me! i
just want to go home. i want to curl up in my sofa and
have my mom cook for me and do my laundry and tell me it's
going to be okay. i want my dad to yell at me for coming
home too late. i want to know who i can call and know that
they will listen to me no matter what. why can't i just
have that?? why did i go to school so far away, why?

push. that song echoes in my head. i remember when i
first heard it. mike's car. god, that was forever ago.
high school? what's that? the words to that song seem
like rob is singing to me. he's reading my diary and
singing about me.
i don't know if i've ever been good enough
i'm a little bit rusty and i think my head is caving in.
and i don't know if i've ever been really loved
by a hand that's touched me, and i feel like something's
gonna give
and i'm a little bit angry...well
this ain't over, not here, not while i still need you around
you don't owe me, we might change,
yeah we just might feel good.

G_...what the hell did i do wrong? i really thought he was
someone i could date for a while. damn the house. i just
think that i'm going to be alone until i'm 40. who has
time to date in law school? the next three years are going
to be hell. pure hell. why the hell did i decide to do
this? i'm have one of the loneliest and emptiest lives
anyway and i'm going to hole myself up with a bunch of
blood-hungry, money-powered lawyers-to-be and expect to
find love and friendship. god, how awful. i should have
had different friends to begin with. why did i fall in the
trap? why? sparkles and glitter...what the hell?

work calls, showers and food. graveyard shifts suck...i'm
only 20. why am i doing this??????