Machell's Dazz
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2001-08-02 20:40:15 (UTC)

Day 1~~About me...Machell

Well, since this is my first entry, I shall tell you about
my self first...I am 27 years of age. I live in Florida,
in a very small town that I have lived in ALL my life!! I
have a daughter, her name is Mandy. She will be 10 in
September. I live with my current boyfriend, John. Who is
43. Some call him Ski.(nickname) He has a son, Johnny.
Who will be 19 in December. We also have a roommate,
Craig. I think he he just turned 40 or 41. I don't care.
Both of my parents are still alive, but divorced. My Mom
lives 10 minutes from me, I also live on her property, the
same property that I have lived on all my life. I guess I
just feel at home, here. That's why I insisted that she
let me live here, on the property that she & my father
purchased, many, many years ago. My father lives 10
minutes from me, but the opposite way.(I wonder why) I
guess I'm starting this diary because soo much has happened
in my life. Alot of good, & alot of bad. I have seen my
share of both. My life as of today......John, is a drunk,
a pillaholic, a wiseass(when he's drunk, and of course, the
next morning he can't figure out why I'm soo mad about the
day/night before)
I can't stand him, anymore. I have gotten to the point to
where I am starting to hate him. I love him soo much, that
I hate to know that my heart does'nt wanna love him,
anymore. Some days are better than others, then I don't
wanna leave....I have just about talked myself into,
leaving,,,I can't believe it ever came to this. I can tell
before he get's out of the van, when he pulls in the drive,
after work...what kind of day, it's going to be. Usually,
it's gonna be a bad day....I love being alone, I am alone
all day..right by myself, and it does'nt bother me one
bit. I wanted to have a baby, but with his mentality, &
bad habits...we could never have a baby. I cry..everyday,
just thinking of my situation, how can I get out? Where am
I gonna go? Will I ever love again? If this man loves me
as much as he says he loves me, why won't he give up the
pills and the boozing to have a baby with me?? I hunger
for someone to be like me, to share my dreams, my thoughts,
my desires. I'm getting too old too fast to let the best
years of my life go down the drain. I guess I'll stop
whining for one day...& let you read on tomorrow..In the
life of Machell~~