Violet

Allegations And The Things Left Behind.
2002-10-12 12:58:51 (UTC)

*Blank Stare*

It was less then 12 hours ago when that beautiful soul
that is/was my grandfather drifted out of this world. And I find myself thinking much more clearly.

Many seem to be left with much regret.. I however, can
find none. For he and I said all the things we
needed/wanted to say.. and we had our goodbye some months
ago.

I am quite upset that my mother feels such regret. She
wanted so badly to be there the moment he passed on.
Unfortunately she was not.. My grandmother had asked her to go shopping for her. My mother arrived back at their house
just as some men were were preparing to leave. One of the
men walked back into the house to speak to my
grandmother..my mother walked in.. and just hugged my
grandmother and started crying.

My grandfather's final moments were more peaceful then
most, i'm sure. There was no major struggle for life.. to
pull any amount of air into his lungs. He took a few deep
breaths.. and after about 3 minutes.. his heart stopped.

My grandmother held his hand through it all. She's spent
the past 2 years taking care of him.. and especially over
the past month and a half.. when he was stuck in bed. She
never left his side.. she refused to. They were never alone.. there was always a family member right there in the house.. helping out.

We all do dearly worry about my grandmother. She seems
quite lost. Which is too be expected. She spent her whole
life with that wonderful man.. and now that he's gone..
she's not sure what to do with herself. 45 years.. they
were happily married. They had one of those glorious
marriages.

They lived for each other. They were forever madly in love with each other. And since they both were quite sarcastic.. it made it all the more glorious. They were both truly in
awe of each other.

My oldest brother will be staying with my grandmother for
the next few months.. so she wont feel so alone. And partly to make sure she takes care of herself. With all the care
my grandfather required.. she never paid her own health
much attention.

My Uncle isn't handling this well at all.. spending every
chance getting high.. he took off last night.. didn't say a word to anyone.. just got up and left. My grandmother is
very worried about him.

My Aunt and my Mother are both holding up just the same.
My mother, taking after her own mother, is very strong..
amazingly strong. She finds great comfort in keeping
herself busy. It was quite obvious last night were she got
it from.. for all my grandmother did was constantly keep
herself busy.. she even went as far as to clean up my
grandfather's bedroom.

I went down to be with them late last night. I barely got
in the door.. as soon as i walked into the kitchen.. i
turned right back around and went to sit on the front porch to cry. My mother quickly came out and just hugged me. We
talked and cried for some time. I was mainly calm.. but
each time i saw her eyes fill with tears.. mine did the
same. Rich came out shortly after her.. and sat and hugged
me.

My mother went to make a few calls.. one being to her best friend.. which i think helped her to calm down a great
deal. Rich and I remained on the front porch for some
time.. talking.. trying to keep the conversations light.

Michael showed up.. said he was sorry to hear.. and went
to speak with Alex.

I stayed a few more hours.. and then had Rich bring me
home. When i left.. My grandmother was finally resting. She lay there on the couch watching tv.. and Bitsy Girl (it's
her little dog that she treats like a child) was curled up
with her.

I could feel the change.. The pain.. The loss. In each
hug.. in each touch of the hand. My mother hugged me
tighter then ever before.. as if she were afraid to left
go.. My Aunt the same. As i reached down to hug my
grandmother and hold her hand.. She held it as if letting
go were the hardest thing she'd ever have to do. And i
began to cry when as i walked out the door.

My mother came home shortly after.. and she was on a
mission to clean everything in her sight. Rich said to just let her go at it.. let her wear herself out. She wouldn't
rest any other way. Finally when it was just she and I left awake. She started to speak about it all.. And she actually asked if she could talk to me for about 10 minutes. I
didn't even answer.. I just grabbed my purse, my drink, and my cigs.. and sat down to talk. We spoke alot about the
past.. and the great memories. She did get upset some.. but for the most part.. I think she just wanted to have a
normal conversation about him with someone. She even said
that I was the only one she could talk to about this.

By the end of the night.. we were joking.. and stuff. In a few hours my mother has to go to the funeral home with my
Aunt and my Grandmother. This, I'm sure, will only cause
them to hurt so much more.

We'll do a little shopping, and then spend the rest of the day with my grandmother.

Not long before my last entry about his passing.. Dave
came up to speak with Chris.. I told him I didn't know
where Chris was. He asked if i was ok.. I replied with
a "no" of course.. then he asked how my grandfather was. I
said in a low voice as my eyes started to fill with
tears "he died".. Dave said that he was sorry.. and walked
in and gave me hug. We stood there hugging for some time
actually. The odd girl that was with Dave.. Just stared..
As if she were really uncomfortable.. I don't blame her.

I haven't slept yet.. and probably won't for a few days.
I haven't felt like eating.. even though i forced myself to early this morning.. because I know.. It'll probably be
several days before i even think about eating. I'm chain
smoking like it's going out of style and I'm giving myself
one hell of a headache.

Lauren came over last night.. as soon as KT called her..
she got in David's car and came right over, well after a
physical fight with her mother. She sat with Katie for some time.. trying to comfort her. Lauren's grandfather passed
away almost 2 years ago.. a few weeks after my grandfather
was told of his cancer. Lauren's grandfather also passed on
due to cancer. Her grandfather, Roger, and my grandfather
were good friends. They played music together actually.

The next 4 days will be very stressful so i really should try to get some sleep.. but i think I'll refrain. I have much to do today.

I Think I Shall End This Now.





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