My Life
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2001-08-02 18:50:53 (UTC)

Back On Track

Dear diary dude computer online thing,
hey sup.
Everything is finally back on track for me. The past little
while has been such a mess and now every thing seems to be
going ok again it is so great! I am so happy. Finally.
I took my test today, and I passed. I only needed to
score 575 and I scored 611! I am so estatic! I was so
worried that I wasn't going to do well, I didn't expect to
do nearly that well. This test was way harder than the last
and a few of the problems really stressed me but its all
good now. I really made myself proud. It's great. I love
showing myself up. I just need to get my confidence up there
a little. Sometimes it just seems so hopeless, but it's not,
as I proved today. I have another test tommorow but I am
confident that I will do good on this one cause it is
supossed to be much easier than the one that I took today. I
just need to make sure that I get allot of sleep tonight, so
I am going to go to bed extra early.
Ugh I can't explain how relieved I was. I was way over
stressing this. Not just the test, but everything. But
everything is cool now, I am BACK ON THE RIGHT TRACK. I am
feeling so great right now.
Oh hey and quess what! I have begun to write again. My
God it's been so long! I had forgotten how good it feels! I
am working on a collection of short stories, essays, and
poetry. It's going to be dark. I re-entered the darkness the
other day, although it was only briefly, I believe that it
is what has help me to get back into my work. I've been
forcing myself to write even if I have nothing to say cause
I know that it is like medication for me, and I need to get
the ball rolling. I am going to make myself up a self help
thepary course...I know I need it. I am feeling much more
sane lately tho, and that is good.
SO anyway, what else do I have to say? I don't know, just
a bucnch of bullshit. I hope that no one bothers reading dreadfully boring I must seem...but I love
boring! some of the time, I mean.
Oh I should be starting college soon. I hope so, I really
do. I want to start Sept. semester. I also need to get a
job, but I am going to wait until I start college, cause I
don't really have the time now...I don't see why, I mean
it's not like I really do anything...but oh well somehow it
just works out like that. Life is funnie.
I have been working on my theories. I love working on my
theories, and developing them. It's cool to watch them
slowly grow in my brain. I think I have already finished my
theory on life. I finished that a while ago. The funny thing
is that it didn't make any sense to me then, but it makes
sense to me know. So what is my theory on life? Well, it's
not as vast as life, it's pretty much just on the purpose of
life. I believe that we humanes have one single purpose in
life...that is to obtain happiness. NOt happiness the
feeling, but happiness the state of mind. Not the kind of
false and materlistic happiness that comes and goes, but the
kind that we keep forever.
Every day for me is like a constant battle to obtain
happiness and sanity, and I feel that I am doing much
better. I know that due to my past situations in life it is
going to be a very long and hard battle, but I am finally
ready and prepared to stick it out. I need this. How hard
can it be? Jesus christ, just be happy! Sorry don't mind my
profanity, I am only human you know.
I am over coming my lonliness, also. There has recently
been so much temptation that I have felt as if I need some
one, but I know that I don't. I know that what I need to do
is love my self, and be happy and satifisted with myself. I
am not going to look for that special some one. Some day he
or she will come to me when we both are ready, if it's even
meant to be. Or maybe I am one of the ones that are meant to
be alone forever. I can accept this. All I know is that I
don't want to waste my time on bullshit, and that is all
that relationships seem to be...screw that. I want nothing
to do with that.
I have been getting deeper into the study of philosophy.
I love philosophy. The love of wisdom. The power of thought.
Right now I am studying ethics, but I want to get deeper
into metaphysics. I just want to learn...I just want to
grow. I just want to live, Damn It! tehe.
is grand.
Each day is a celebration of life. I love that qoute. I
love it so much that I am going to leave it at that.


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