2001-08-02 14:03:01 (UTC)

August 2nd....LESS THAN A WEEK TO GO....

Well, we'll be back in school very soon. I'm ready for it,
but then again I haven't brought any thing to be ready! I'm
suppose to be going to do a lil shopping today. Okay, the
whole thing about feeling down is now gone. I talked to
Leroy a lil bit last nite. He said that he really wanted to
see me, but in the back on my mind I was just thinking to
myself that if he wanted to see me, then he would have came
no matter what kind of signal I gave him. Ya know! He said
I was acting like I didn't want to be bothered with, which
it was something like that, but it was kinda deeper than
that. I just wasn't attracted to him at all. When he's
around his friends, he's so shallow and I hate when he has
to conform to them. I see it like this...he's either
putting on a front for me when it's just me and him or he's
putting one on in front of his boys. I don't know what to
say about that boy. Carson said they really broke up, but I
think they are still doing stuff together though. I could
have sworn I saw them together yesterday. Don't know
though. But I've been contemplating the whole having sex
with Leroy thing again. Us talking last nite really doesn't
change the decision I made yesterday. I'm starting to
realize that maybe I don't feel anything for Leroy. I've
just be making myself say some of these silly things, so
he'll be flattered. Why am I doing this? Ummm....I don't
know. When it comes to that boy, I can't keep my thoughts
straight. I think I need to be around him to see if it's
still there. Maybe I've just been fooling myself thinking
that I could love him again. Not really love-love him, but
maybe I don't care about him anymore. THIS IS JUST A BIG
MESS INSIDE MY HEAD. But if I go ahead and do it with
Leroy, then that will leave me wanting for more and he
won't be here. If I don't do it with Leroy, then who knows
when I'll ever do it. It's truly a mess. I guess I can't
really premeditiate about these things....it will happen
when the moment comes along. Well, I guess I'll probably
write more when I get back from shopping. I really don't
think this is the only entry for today. I know Leroy is
going to shift my mind's thoughts before the day is over.