The Shattered Raven

The Black Eye of Lenore
2002-10-11 16:12:04 (UTC)

My Misery soon to be leading to the last resort

I'm embarassed, i'm pissed, i'm angry, and i'm despondant.
i can't feel. anything. things have gone awry, have they
not? where do i go, where shall i turn, who can save me?
who can help me? it once was me i thought who would be
able to help rid certain demons, but alas they have
returned. not in the physical form, but diving within. my
tears burns as they stream down my face, the course though
my flesh as the ducts start to fill, and the skin burns
unwittingly. the satisifaction has run thin it seems.
could it be because of the depression? why is there
depression? have i not what i need? have i not what i
have? have i not what i've desired? then what the fuck is
going on inside my head right now. what's going on inside
my ody righ tnow? why can't i determine the reason as to
why i want to lash out, cry, scream, yell, weep, mourn?
all i can do is sleep. and barely that takes place. i
cannot eat as i once could. i force myself to. i force
myself to sleep, i force myself to smile, and smear the
world with my intoxicating facsade. i don't know what she
said to tell you the truth. all i recall is the
disappointment, all i recall are the asylum like dreams
that fly and vanquish my inner mind. burning in flames the
wings come out, meliting my skin, and frame ignites, and
melts hurdling through the cracks of the street. i no
longer know what to do. everything is gone. i cannot feel
anymore. i only feel for her. i hate just about everything
in my life. i hate the fact of where i'm at. everything is
going sour. but the one thing that makes it better that
gives me hope, that pulls me on in mind, is the fact that
she's there. is it because family has turned their backs?
is it because certain groups of friends, have betrayed my
trust? is because now i not only feel like i do not belong,
i have the proof? could that be fucking up other aspects
of my life right now? i don't know why i feel this way. i
guess it's a fear of loss, not that it will happen, but
what if it does? i can accept that it will not happen, i
can except that maybe it has been that way because of
stress........ Well, i talked to my sister. She went to
school to become an RN but works in the technology
insdustry, and i pretty much asked her about all the
questions i had, and it seems that yes, stress can cause
certain aspects of your life to come down as well, even if
they are not totally related. i think i'm going to start
working out to relieve stress, because i think for me,
therapy should be a last resort.




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