The mediocrity that is me
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2002-10-11 06:37:53 (UTC)

I hate myself

Dear Cara,

Last night I made a mistake. A mistake for not waiting and
being patient to what you had to say. I felt as if I just
talked down to you and rambled off incoherencies. I'm
sorry for that. If I ever gave off the feeling that I was
talking down or preaching to you I never meant it that way
and again, I am sorry.

I know more than anything that you are not my past
girlfriends or any other relationship I've had with
people. If I ever made you think that I was comparing you
to those other people you are mistaken. I thought that it
would give you an understanding from where I'm coming
from. What I've felt, how I cared about other people. I
don't think that you are an innocent either. I know that
everyone at one point has felt the pain and anguish of a
bad relationship.

I don't know if I came across clearly as myself
being "broken." I know that no one single person is
perfect, free of heartbreak and pain. That's not what I
meant. I meant that I have a certain mindset regarding
relationships as a result of the many I've had. It's
crippling to think that way, I know, but I'm dealing. You
have to know that I'm working out these problems, knowing
that I am one of many.

If you want me to be honest then I will. It's hard to be
honest though, when you have nothing working against you,
not knowing what the other person is thinking, how they
feel. We have a great friendship I never want that to be
marred by this, ever. However, it's not our fault that
this didn't work out, not because of our insecurities, our
fears, our shortcomings, but because some people just
aren't meant to be together, dating wise. Of course I
realize that you might not believe this, that it's just
another bullshit excuse because I don't really care about
you. You're wrong though, you have no idea how much I care
about you, how much I think about you, or how high of a
regard I have of you. Still, some people aren't just meant
to date. I'm not stuck on some fantasy of getting with
people I've dated again. My past is behind me, yet it
defines how I make some choices.

You never had to apologize for not being what I expected,
wanted, or needed. You were all that and more. This was
never our fault, it just wasn't meant to be. I just want
you to know that someone will show that they do care for
you, and you will receive all the love you are deserving
of, I'm sure of it, because I care for you and always
will, even if you don't want to believe it. You'll find
someone that has the ability to do what you are asking
Cara, it's just not me, but remember that I'll always be
there for you, whenever you want, for whatever. You are
beautiful, if no one recognizes that they don't deserve

I hope this isn't goodbye...

With love,