2002-10-11 05:16:53 (UTC)

so i sat back down and had a beer and felt sorry for myself...

saying, let her cry
if her tears fall down like rain...

only tells me when shes been, when shes had too much to
i say that i dont care. i just run my hands through her
dark hair..
then i pray to god, you gotta help me fly away

and if the sun comes up tomorrow
let her be.

i went to waffle house tonight.
ryan came too.
robert was there. he was being weird.
i was sitting in my car looking for a cd and he came up to
my passenger window. he scared the fuck out of me. and he
was being strange. i didnt like it. i just wanted to leave.

what is up with creepy men recently.
i dont understand.
i never bathe.
i never change.
i have been wearing james' big fucking hoodie.

"whats going on sunshine..."

men should never call me that.
it angers me.

or that man outside of dennys the other night.
touching me.


my head is spinning.
i did nothing productive there tonight. i couldnt.
i am so exhausted and sleeping doesnt fix it cuz then i
just wake up to it all and im feeling so burnt out.

its the general adaption syndrome...of heiz syele.

its my problem.

im excited to see emilys mommy tomorrow. i really am.
i miss her family. so much...
its strange how fucking attached i got to them.
i mean i practically lived there for a year.
so i guess its partially expected.
and i guess me having the family that i do
and being exposed to such love and compassion..
it was really hard for me to adapt to living here again.
being here.
walking in this door every night.
its amazing how drastically life can change.
how things can be one way for so long.
and then BOOM they are just not.
and it seems like we all take shit for granted.

i could die in ten mins.

would i be content with what i have done with my life?
would i be like yeah. yeah...i did the best i could.
i really dont know.
i am unhappy with certain aspects of my life.

it seems like we all spend our time planning and planning
and waiting. its one fucking waiting period after the
you know.
what if you dont make it to the end of the line...?
what if you die.
what if circumstances dont allow for you to finish.
i mean.
should we all just live for immediate gratification?
i wonder sometimes about people in really high social
positions in life.
i mean. when was the last time that they laughed. really
laughed. or thought about the world. tress. frogs. etc.
do they?
is that what they discuss in their big meetings?
cuz i really dont think so.
it all seems so pointless you know
all of it.
and i guess thats why society has made it so
you dont really have choices
you just go from one thing to the next
and never stop to look around you
or to think...
the world really does not promote individualistic thinking.
maybe that is to keep people from realizing shit you know
so that a few people can and they can become you know
all oh wow so intelligent and whatever else
so that they can "change" the world.
but what would happen if everyone was like that?
absolute chaos most likely.
its like worker ants you know.
and the few people that do think for themselves
are looked down upon
in history its been like that anyway and today too i think
until after death and then they become fucking legends.
its so weird.
i watched casablanca the other day.
never seen it before.
its supposed to be like the most romantic movie ever or
whatever right
it promotes infidelity like a motherfucker
call me crazy
but what the hell is so romantic about that?
love. fucking REALLLLLL love.
is not about immediate gratification.
it not about the easy shit
of fucking meeting someone and then being all lalalala i
dont know you but im in love with you lalallaa let me
cheat on my husband or wife or whatever and imagine in my
head that you are THE ONE that youre the answer to all my
problems and due to the fact that i DONT know you at ALL
it will be really easy for me to let you fill the place in
my heart that needs filling.
im sorry.
i just dont get it.
love is fucking being there and fucking going through shit
and still caring about that person.
"for better or for worse"
you know?
thats the thing that is supposed to bind souls...right?
so why is the divorce rate SO fucking high in america?
what happened to that.
i mean...its disgusting to look around and see so many
people just taking the easy way out.
from this to welfare.
and we promote it.
and its gross.
it makes me ill to think about. seriously.
i just dont understand people.
i dont.

life is not a disney movie.

life is what we all make of it.
and that has to do with the choices and decisions that we
make every second that we spend breathing.

but im tired and my brain is over worked enough as is.