Jaded

Why Me?
2001-08-02 05:35:04 (UTC)

Who the fuck am I?!

Diary,

*Deep Breaths* I wish I could figure out who I am! I
really don't know! Like I've said so many times before -
and I'm sure it's becoming rather monotonous to you, Diary
and Fictional Readers - I've played this role too long to
just step out of it! Honestly, I've lied to myself and
everyone else so long that now, I don't know how the fuck
I'm supposed to act! No matter how hard I try, I piss
people off! Yet, I don't do anything wrong, usually! For
anyone but MY deranged, disfunctional family, I would be
that sickeningly cute, perfect daughter that everyone loved!
But no, in MY house I'm the one that causes all the
trouble! I'M the one who takes most of the shit! Dad and
Mom fight? Ah, no shit to them - go yell at Erin, her
room's messy! Never fucking MIND the fact that Kenny was
out all goddamned night drinking! Oh no - it's more
important that the FUCKING ROOM IS CLEAN! My dad is a jerk
- and I wish I felt like elaborating, but I don't. Sorry,
Diary. God, I realize how petty this must seem to anyone
with real problems and it makes me feel shallow and worse
than before. But, people and Diary, it ISN'T reality that
matters for anyone - it's perceptions. And my perceptions
are that I've been dealt a load of shit. I refer again to
my statement that life is a game and I was dumped here with
out the rule book - a luxury that most people have been
afforded. Anyway, all this stress and all these feelings
and my life and everything going on in the world have
combined to make me feel like crying and laughing like a
loon and shouting at people and all other fucked up
contradictory emotional things. So, I s'pose that I'll see
all you people some other time. I know this entry was a bit
hostile, but if you don't like it, bite me. Sorry to say
it, but it's true. You didn't have to read it if you didn't
like it. However, if anyone has any feedback - anything
that you think would calm me down - go ahead and tell me.
Really, I can be a bitch, but usually only to stupid,
shallow people that can't relate but try to anyway. Love
you all!

xxoo Eryn