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August 1, 2001 -- Top 5 Things That Irritate Me At Work
Ok, so as y'all know, I work as a hostess in a fairly nice
restaurant in Brentwood. I've only been at it for about 5
weeks or so, but I have made some pretty definite
People are fuckin morons.
I've compiled a list of things that chafe my ass about
customers at work. It's like these morons have never been
out in public before, much less to a restaurant.
1. My desk has this thing called the ProHost computer
system, where you can see what tables are seated, which
ones are available, which sections are closed, etc. This
enables you to spread the customers around to all the
servers so no server gets slammed or dicked on tips.
WITHOUT FUCKING FAIL at LEAST 5 people will tell me where
they're going. Uhhhh newsflash Dan Rather...*I* am the one
taking YOU, not the other way around. There is a rhyme and
reason to our madness. We are doing our job. Just sit the
fuck down where I sit you and eat the overpriced food!
2. People who saunter in at about 12:30 and say "Two for
lunch." OHMYGOD, you're here for LUNCH?! As opposed to
dinner? Then when I ask them "Would you like to sit inside
or on the patio?" THAT is the question they are stumped on,
and proceed to BS around the desk for 5 minutes while a
line forms. Instead of giving me the useless information
(ie "for lunch"), why couldn't they tell me where they want
to sit. It's not a surprise we have a patio...it's visible
when you walk up to the restaurant. Boggles my fuckin mind.
3. People who start to order from me once they sit down.
Ummm, I know it's a rough concept to grasp, but ya see all
those people scurrying around with plates and glasses
dressed similarly? Those are called SERVERS. They are the
ones who SERVE YOU. I am a HOSTESS. *shakes head* Makes
me wonder if they grew up in caves.
4. People who talk to us like we're retarded because we
work in a restaurant. Especially because my restaurant is
located in Brentwood, every hoighty toighty rich bitch
thinks they are oodles and bunches smarter than us
dumbfucks. Little do they know that most of the people who
work there either have their bachelors degree or are in the
process of obtaining it now. One girl just left for
journalism grad school at Columbia, one girl is about to
start her masters program in psych, and yet another girl is
waiting to hear from all her law schools. Most people work
there because the money is reeeeally good and they are
aspiring musicians/actors/screenwriters, etc and a
restaurant job gives them max flexibility. One guy said
about my co-worker Brooke, "Does she have dumb blonde
syndrome?" Not only is Brooke a brunette, but she has also
been at the restaurant for 5 years, so she knows what she's
doing. Furthermore, she was within earshot. People like
that make me want to spit in their food and serve it with a
5. Indecisive people. Por ejemplo, a group of twelve
people walked into my restaurant and wanted to sit on the
patio. This was during our slowdown time, so we only had
one server left on the patio. I went through the trouble
of asking the server out there if she could handle a party
of 12 in addition to the 7 tables she already had, and she
said no worries. I pulled a bunch of heavy ass tables
together to fit the party and laid menus down and got bread
plates...the works. What did the bastards do but change
their mind and go inside. People like that should be
shot. I am not joking.
At the risk of sounding racist, ageist, reverse elitist, or
whatever else, let me tell you who these people usually
are. The people from examples 2, 3, and 4 are usually
older (40 ), upper middle class White people. The people
from examples 1 and 5 are usually Persian. I am not
joking. I would say these patterns hold true 99% of the
time that they display one of the annoying behaviors, if
For the 3 people reading who actually go out to
restaurants, do not let this be you. Your future hostess
and I thank you tremendously!