The Shadow of Myself
2001-08-02 03:49:34 (UTC)

I try so hard...

I try so hard.. in so many ways to get certain people's
attention. I want them to see something that they are
impressed by.. or that that think is interesting so that
they'll like me more... or want to be with me more. I
don't know what it is about them that makes me want to
impress them so much.. but I do it. Now.. I'm starting to
see that all my efforts have been wasted. I never once
accomplished what I wanted by doing that. I don't think
they even knew what I was trying to do. If they were to
ever like me more.. it's not going to be b/c I was trying
hard.. it will just be something.. probably something that
I'll do.. and not think twice about.. that is.. if it ever
does happen. I will never know what it was.. unless by
some chance they just want to tell me. I would really
appreciate knowing.. but at the same time if I found out..
I would probably go back to doing what I've always done..
and I don't want to do that.. but who's to say what will
happen. I certainly don't know.

I wonder.. if someone has ever tried so hard to get my
attention and I was totally oblivious to their motives.
Maybe I didn't catch it.. or maybe I didn't want to. I
would like to know.. I mean it would be nice to know that
somebody wanted my approval that badly. I sometimes think
that I'm the only one who knows what I feel like.. but the
truth is.. that there are soo many people that have gone
through so much of the same things that I have. Sure..
it's not be exactly the same.. in every way.. but I would
have to say that I haven't invented any "new emotions."
It'd be nice though.. if I could talk to these people.. and
ask them for advice. I would like to have some of their
wisdom on dealing with these kinds of situations. It sucks
thinking that nobody understands me... b/c I'm sure that
somewhere out there.. somebody would.. I just don't know
where they are.

I guess my problem is trying to understand things that I'll
probably never understand. I am too logical. I have to
see the reasoning for everything.. and make myself
understand it. I'm starting to see.. that there are going
to be a lot of things that I won't understand.. and I have
to accept that. It's going to be really hard for me.. but
I sorta have no choice.