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2002-10-10 07:50:28 (UTC)

repetition, redunancy, and repetition

title stolen from vasquez's squee. anyway, i was going to
title it 'new mercury substance' but i knew id regret it.
oscillation took quite a large drop this week. i forgot how
one little fuck up can drown my soul for weeks and months.
i got a 30 out of 50 on an english essay that i thought was
bad, but not that bad. the teacher said there was bad/no
thesis, but there was, and it was very clear how it related
to each paragraph. i was going to write a new essay since
everyone has to revise theirs, but thats too much work for
a procrastinator such as me i realized, so ill call her on
it tommarrow, if i can summon the courage. i probably
won't, my subconscious will make up some excuse, ill be
indecisive all day tomarrow, and write some shitty mixed
essay worse than my first. im not pessimistic, im just a
realist. and pessimistic. i think im making too big of a
deal out of my oscillation theory. but there are no
exponential waves of concepts in life, then again, even if
there is a pattern, why would i care. i bit my fingernails
too close, now its hard to peel my toe nails. i need more
freetime, its huge difference from my sophomore year where
i never did homework for the second semester. hey, i just
gained some peace by remembering how its just one
assignment, like last year, and i got by yesteryear, so
this year will be the same. trouble is, whenever i think
about a concept that i originally like, within seconds, it
becomes dead and rotten and i hate myself for thinking of
it and i fall deeper into depression. its becoming hard to
repress everything. by college my mind will be fucked up.
im on new levels of consciousness, its like i can see
clearer, but im deeper into the darkness. if i discuss that
metaphor too much ill end up hating it, so everything leads
to repression. just 2 more years, and i can get help...
fuck, id hate to think that these were my golden years, and
i wasted them all. ive been considering love, and
discovering i have no want for it. my mind is totally
against it, considering i have nothing to offer anyone else
could offer. i just can't see myself attracting anyone. i
can't self-mutilate myself anymore, its just lost its
appeal. maybe its because i wait for so long after the
painful experience begins, that i can't recall the original
want for physical pain. or maybe since i repress
everything, the only thing left is ashes of guilt, ntohing
substancive to focus on and forget. godspeed you black
emperor was the new mercury substance. i d/l a few of their
songs after being recommended them by amazon.com, and i
think i d/l their entire cd of about 16 minutes, and it was
an experience. it was like what anime credit music was or
smashing pumpkins was back then for me. but it was
different. i should be working on my amv, but the program's
too glitchy and im scatterbrained. i wanted it done by
tomarrow, but im only about 35 seconds into a 3.5 minute
song. it will get easier, the beginning is the hardest
part. meeting after tommarow will be next tuesday, so it
will be done by then if my weekend is free. i still don't
know what God is trying to do, but He's up to something. i
know something truly is going on, it all falls together (or
apart) too perfectly. i know ill enter a breakthrough if i
can just shift my direction a few degrees, but i don't know
which way. maybe a shrink will help me on that. anyway,
that essay is staring right at me. papers of criticism
constantly in my view really depresses me, i remember from
karate tests, i put my evaluation on my desk always, and i
got very depressed, and when i took it down, i stopped
spiraling for the most part. maybe its just something in
this room i need to tear down, no, since im depressed
elsewhere, too. im getting too itchy. maybe i should just
drop out of school, run away, get a shitty job with
different name, live alone, and die alone, my mind is shit,
i dont know what im saying, i have games on my calculator,
but none of my classes give me the oppurtunity to play
them, except maybe physics. i hate people, i just want
isolation, i don't want to be around them, there's no
point. i want my environment to be concrete, sterile,
lifeless, and unreactive. just a computer with loads of
music, water, and im set. id be way into drugs if i had
access to them. i probably could get them, if i had any
charisma at all, but i just don't want to talk to anyone.
im surprised ive never heard of anyone with this kind of
condition, all the depression stories and songs never
mention what im going through. songs with regret and guilt
as a theme are always superficial songs about exgirlfriends
and such. i stereotype too much. id just like to fall
asleep, and wake up somewhere else. i want to be someone
else, and not be responcible for what he did. i tried that
technique, when i had to do comp sci on the board when she
suspected me of not taking good notes, which i didn't, and
made an ass of myself. i pretended God or something put me
in this person, and now its my mission to deal with it.
this helped for a few seconds everytime i comprehended it,
but my guilt kept coming back. maybe if i just piece
together every little scrap i can find of things that make
me feel less depressed, i can sculpt some sort of structure
for my life that will make me truly happy. but that will
never come, its an impossible problem for now, too many
loose ends to really make a conclusion, let alone a plan.
im going to study for a test on friday, just because
tomarrow, or at least the next 40 hours will be awful.
since i can't cut myself, i need to find some other output,
that isn't so time consuming like writing.