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Ezoic
2002-10-10 06:11:58 (UTC)

Depression is no fun.

Here's a little more background on me.

I have been depressed now for four years. Somedays, I feel
like the whole world is on top of me and I just want to
scream and I usually do. I've had about five nervous break
downs total. The last one was mid july of this past summer.
I'll explain about that more in a later entry.

In seventh grade, I was coming to the realization that I
was gay. I had known I liked guys since I was 11 but didn't
know much about it or didn't think about it til I was in
seventh grade. I became very depressed and irritable and
felt like everyone knew. So, one weekend when I was over at
my dad's apartment and he was out at work for the day, I
got into his closet where he kept all his hunting guns. I
loaded one of the guns (thanks to my dad's instructions
earlier in my life, I knew how to load a gun) and pointed
it at my head. I was about ready to pull the trigger but
then I put the gun down. I don't know what made me do it,
but I did.

I have thought about suicide many times since but have
always come up with reasons not to. My friends have
suggested I go see a therapist and I've thought about it
but I'm concerened about what my family will think and what
they'll think about why I'm going to the therapist.

Oh well, I need to go to bed now. Sweet dreams.

-JP


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