My Heart and Soul....
2002-10-09 03:31:25 (UTC)

Bitch Fest

You know whats great about this? I can sit here and bitch
and complain all I want, and not feel bad. I don't do it in
front of people, cause I don't want sympathy. I just want to

People piss me off. I really hate when people say I'm not
being myself, or I'm too depressive. Yea, maybe you're
right. Maybe if I was a little more happy go lucky, I'd have
a great boyfriend, who loved me and all that shit. But
frankly, it's a lot easier said than done. Let me explain
this, since everyone seems to ignorant, and caught up in
their own problems to care why I like to be by myself, and
why I hate going out to parties. DEPRESSION. Yes, it is an
illness. Though some of it is psychological, part of my
problem is an actual chemical imbalance. What is that?
Well...it's like this....You're lying in a pool on a bright
sunny summer day....suddenly the wind picks up, and starts
throwing you around. Suddenly you are surrounded by the
noise and chaos of a storm, and you're being pulled
underwhat by some unknown force, and held there by another.
You fight, and stuggle and yell for help, but nothing
happens. Eventually you find yourself trapped against the
cement bottom, being beaten and thrashed around, with
nothing to hold onto, and no one there to save you....can
you picture it. Well, add to that, all your friends wanting
to help, but not wanting to understand, and all those people
who can't even offer help, all they can do is talk shit
about you...thats what it's like in my head for about 8
months a year. I physically cannot deal with it. I get sick
a lot. I get headaches when I have to go out in public. For
real. Have you been looking at me lately? Any excuse NOT to
go out on weekends? Taking pain killers almost every
afternoon, from a headache from talking to people in school
all day. Sitting and sulking at parties when I am coerced
into going out, because I just feel like crap. Thats what
it's like for me.

AND it makes me feel all better to see my friends all happy
and shit. All the little love birds cuddling and fawning all
over each other in front of me. I'm not that bitter. It just
hurts me. I want to just sit there and cry like I am now.
Because everyone around me is happy with someone, and I am
just sitting there...alone. I am so sick of being alone. I
hate it. I just want to have someone that wants to be there
for me. Someone who cares about me, and treats me like an
equal. Not some male pig who thinks he owns me, or some
ego-maniac to treat me like the flavor of the week. Someone
who will hold my hand and call me his girls no matter who is
around. That's a few qualities that I have yet to find in a
guy. Maybe thats why I get pissed what you guys are
inconsiderate, and come to my house just to hug and kiss and
maul your significant other. Maybe that's why I don't want
to go to a party. To see that all that guys really want is
some girl who will get drunk and go off and have a little
spree in the backseat of some car. Sorry. Maybe thats not
what I want. I don't know what I want. I guess that makes it
hard to find it huh?

UGH! FUCK!!!!!!!!

I'm going to bed, ALONE! FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!