angelface119

My Reality
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2002-10-09 02:31:11 (UTC)

Anticipation...

There are so many things going on right now, i am just in a
constant state of anticipation. So many things that i want
answers to but am stuck waiting on. I want to go to VT and
i want to get a scholarship or twelve and i want to be able
to go to the school that i want be with the guy that i
want "J" and have the life that i want..i think i have
waited long enough.
Ok so i got to talk to "J" for my one opp. this month...it
seems thats the way it works, about once a month he can fit
me in, which i am cool with bc at least he is still keeping
in touch...it was still just as great as it was before, but
i got some bad news. he has met some girl at a party and
they are going to go out possibly....while on one hand i am
happy if he is happy, the other part of me just wants to
kick and scream and pitch a fit and beg him to take me. I
really really really really really hate the idea of him
liking some other girl. In fact it makes me want to peel
my skin off, i would rather set my own hair on fire, i
would rather poke my own eye out then ever hear him say to
me again im sorry i cant be with you i am going to be with
some other chick. it makes me literally wat to vomit. i
care about him so much that i just wanna cry about it. i
mean dont get me wrong i am not pyscho, but just trying to
express my intense feelings of longing to be wtih him. its
so sad, i dont dream of anything fancy, just a normal
relationship where i get to talk to him more than just once
a month and i get to see him on a regular basis and i dont
have to worry about him being wtih some other girl bc he is
completely devoted to me....is that too much to ask no damn
it i dont think so.
anywho, back to the point, i am just seriously waiting out
my school, living and financial situation. i would really
love to get into Virginia Tech, but i dont think that is
going to happen, so i am shooting for The art institute of
charlotte bc its arranged the way i want. just one
academic class a semester and the rest are for interior
design which is cool. Now some of my fears:
i will get into VT and josh wont
josh will get into VT and i wont
I have very large issues with charlotte if thats where i
have to go to school i dont do well there it scares me and
i might get raped or killed or stabbed or something
the things i am hopeful for:
josh and i both get into VT
josh and i get to be together
i get my own apartment whereever i go
i get a real job for once in my life.
that i acn explain to ppl that i dont want to go to VT bc
of josh, but bc its a great school and its a big change for
me and its just what i need
ok ok so i do hope josh and i get togethr but you know what
if he were there or not i would still apply bc it seems
like such a good idea.
anywho, i think i am done ranting about josh...i know it
seems like i talk about him a lot but i hate to dump on my
friends..they just shouldnt ahve to hear all of
it......next....
oh oh almost forgot..im not real sure if i would or not,
but there is this really hot guy in my acct class that i
think likes me which makes me happy..i still have a bad
habit of turning ppl down bc i want josh but maybe i can
try ..we will see..i know almost for certain i want nothing
from preston and for the most part i dont want to date, but
i think that keeping myself busy with school and
scholarships and what not will be my best asset right
now...i think that if i can get good grades and get into a
good college my future is just waitng for me.....i am so
excited to start a real life.


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