Black Phoenix
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2002-10-09 01:36:40 (UTC)


My last entry was abruptly deleted, due to the fact that,
being the loving woman she is, my mother broke the internet
cable cord while taking it from my computer, then blamed it
on me. So, if I can remember, I will try and restate it.

I did not write yesterday because I was afraid of what I
would say. What remaining vestiges of my human self were
left had come up and taken over, leaving me nothing but a
sack of filth, full of shallow emotions, thoughts, and
petty desires, just like all those around me, whom I made a
pathetic attempt to interact with. This happened, insofar
as I can tell, after I got out of school. The triggering
event, I think, was when I walked down the street to my
house and heard my favorite song. The thing about my
favorite song is that I hadn't listened to it for over four
months. My favorite song is "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails. It's
the song I used to listen to when I cut myself. All my
memories of that song are blood and pain and hate. It's my
favorite song, and I listened to it for the first time in
five months. I don't know why, but this changed me into
something I had wished never to be again. Perhaps it was
the excitement of having overcome something like that. I
don't even have the strength to overcome a song. That
calamity of losing control effected my thoughts, my
actions, and my speech. It allowed me to attempt pathetic
social interactions.

Speaking of speech, I found the most magnificent quote in
the Poisonwood Bible. It is from Adah, who is a magnificent
character as well. It goes as follows; "Silence has many
advantages. When you do not speak, people presume you to be
deaf or feeble minded and promptly make a show of their own
limitations." So brillaint. Barbera Kingsolver is quite a
respectable author.

My entry will be short, for I still fear the validity of my

And so the scars accumulate.