Sal Paradise

i'll shut up now

i stay up late at night in hopes to see you have done the
same.
my every anxious sense craves to communicate with you.
i promised myself that after the last romantic deception i
wouldn't let myself forget the lesson.
but i can't stick to myself.
i'm hinting at you to help me and that i'll help you.
i'm not sure you're getting my point.
if you are, are you not responding...
because of disinterest?
shyness?
apprehension?
unhappiness?
i'm not sure. i don't know. i wish i did, but i have no
clue.
i always try to make you feel unconditionally accepted.
this i think i have achieved.
i feel you have accepted me, too, but i need this
relationship on a different level; intimate.
your small flirtations get me so confused because you
confide in me enough to tell me who you still have feelings
for.
and at the same time i think you're thinking the same
because i've told you about my last personal relationship.
(i'm still scathed by him -- he doesn't know any of this.)
whether you do feel the same or don't, it's completely fine.
i just have a feeling that some day you'll respond to my
affection -- even if in small amounts. don't worry, though;
i'm trying to break this illusion.
you make me laugh so, so hard. so hard that i cry.
i wish i could just call you and tell you that i like you,
but i wouldn't want you to feel weird around me (nor would
i want to feel weird around you).
i doubt i'll tell you to your face. i'll doubt i'll even
tell you indirectly. that's just not the way i tell people
these things.
you don't know how badly i want to go to your house. i'm
immensely intrigued.
if you happen to figure me out (and figure you out by my
clumsy attempt of expression), please don't say anything
unless you know it'll make me scream with joy. just don't
bring it up if you know it'll make me sad. i'm finally at a
point where i'm starting to feel good about myself and my
environment.
i have to stop now because i've way in over my head. i'm
sorry. i just had to somehow get this out.