The Boy Looked At Johnny
2002-10-08 19:38:01 (UTC)

My brain hurt like a warehouse

Wow. It's October 8. That means I've been keeping this
journal, off-and-on, for one year.

Ha ha. And what a year!

The tone careens all over the place. I think, looking back
though, that I've done some of the greatest things of my
life in these pages. The Warhol and Pittsburgh was an
irrefutable high-point. There's simply no denying that the
tone of those months is one of elation. Even the freakouts
don't seem as harsh, looking back. I know they don't feel
as harsh from where I stand now. But there were other high
points: the last Blowup show was one; the new band is
another. There's some nice moments. I guess there's some
low points, too, but they don't seem too terrible.

A lot of those low points involve alcohol, don't they?
Yeah. I decided after the party Jackie threw that I'm going
to quite drinking for awhile. I don't even do it that much,
but whenever I do, I feel like such an ass. I always feel
bad the bext day...not physically, but I feel like I've not
represented myself well. Obviously, sometimes I haven't:
Kim Iler springs to mind. So does the Nicole thing, which
may have happened anyway if I hadn't been drunk, but it
seems less likely. Anyway, I'm going to stop. A beer once
in awhile in a social setting is one thing, but the party
binging -- although it IS undeniably and enormously fun --
just never leads anywhere good, and it's something I am
going to cut out.

The party was fun, I suppose. Everyone had a really great
time, but something just seemed to be missing. I kissed my
neighbor Sarah, which was enormously silly. Jackie hooked
up with this ass named Matt. I don't know. It was alright.
It was fun to see Dave and Nate and everyone. I tried to
invite a number of people I don't see very often, but none
of them really showed.

But I can't lie: I'm bummed. I don't know why. A number of
things, I guess.

- I feel like I have to talk to Jessy. I don't want things
to be so serious between us. It's too draining emotionally
to have such a serious girlfriend so far away, and too
emotionally draining to have "I miss you" conversations so
much. I could have a future with Jessy -- you know how
great she is -- but I don't feel as if the way we're doing
it now is the best way. I think we need to have the freedom
to see other people -- not that I even want to, but it's
too much to have a hardcore full-on girlfriend in another
city that I can't see or touch. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

- Plus Louisville things. Louisville people. I don't know.
Things will get better. There's a whole world out there.
I'm just so sick of things being so insular. I'm so sick of
being tied to here.

So there you have it! It's not so bad. It's been worse.