socalledemopunk

Life according to Luvie..
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2002-10-08 14:18:34 (UTC)

Depression

Dear Diary,
Well lemme say that I'm sorry I haven't written lately. On
Charlie's birthday night, I spent the night. Well stayed
there from one til six in the morning. I had worked that
day. We were together and it was beautiful. I love him to
the end of me. I know this now. No one will replace him. We
almost made love that night, but I stopped myself only
because I know only part of him wanted to.

So no nothing happened. I think now that I wish something
had, but can't go regretting shit. I think I'm pregnant,
but that's another story. I had a nice story play in my
head last night, kept me up a good while. Of me and the
baby boy I would have in May. Good grief. I prolly aren't,
but am wishing I am. I really am.

I prayed last night that I would be. So I can have a baby.
But I can't even take care of myself, much less a baby. I
saw myself, in my dream, taking care of myself. I saw
Charlie and me getting married. It was great. But I'm not
pregnant even though I am late. I wish I were, but with my
luck, I'm not.

I have a girlfriend. Princess and I are official, as of
12:30 today. So yea...Michell told me to break up with her.
I'm just riding it out. If the whole girl-girl relationship
scares me and sets me completely straight, way to go. I'm
just lonely. This I can say I'm doing because I'm lonely
and am trying to cover my own ass. But that's our secret.

I really won't tell anyone that because it is so dick even
if it is true. I know Charlie will be hurt when he finds out I'm with
someone else. Especially Princess, *gasp* a
girl "replacing" him. I am not going to tell him. In fact,
I'm not going to call him anymore. That's up to him. I'm
tired of hurting.

You can tell I'm depressed, can't you? I wouldn't be with a
girl if I were happy, that's for damn sure. I'd be with
Charlie. Last night I wanted to kill myself, metaphorically
speaking, but I couldn't. Because it's not my time yet. I
want God to help me. I need some help because I'm too lost
and depressed on my own.
Love always,
Luvie


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