the expunged refuse of my evil mind
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I cant explain it. I have wierd phases i go through. None the same, and yet, I
always am reminded of old ones, and long to be in that one. I have grown
more and more aware of these phases. Its odd. Now, as I go through my life, i
dont see it as living. its more like a dream. I never feel like im really here. I feel
like im in a body, watching, making it move. Almost like im high, but not. Its
scary sometimes. especially when i listen to music which really goes to my
heart. Chili peppers does it. Coldplay does it. NIN is a big one. so is
Radiohead. I dunno. they just get to me. I get really into it. once, i just started
to sing radiohead in the train full of people. i never do that. I dunno. I was
reading my old entries about amanda. I duno. i was stupid. I wansnt true to
myself. I tried so hard to love her. She loved me, or so i thought. I dunno. I
couldnt though. Morgan was always what i wanted. and now im happier then
ever. There are times, where there are ebbs and tides, but we always end up
in eachothers arms. I love being with her. Its so hard sometimes though.
especially with her swim stuff. I never get to see her. I dunno. I hate our
situation. I waited two hours just so i could walk her to her train station today. I
dunno. I love her more than i ever could imagine, but i know that ill just love
her more later on. I was watching third watch, yokas's husband had a heart
attack. I dunno what i would do if something like that happend to morgan. If
she died, and we had no kids, i dont think i could hold on. Im not that strong. I
dunno. its hard. Sometimes it feels like im trying for this relationship so much
harder than her, but its just our situation. I know that if her parents were nicer,
she would probably do the same for me. I dunno. on the way home from
taking her to her stop today, i was listening to coldplay. I was also reading one
of those adds for a moorman church on the subway. i began to think, about
religion. I cant take that sometimes. I wish i could believe in something, it
would give me so much more comfort to believe in something else. But i just
cant. Its not that im close minded, but its just that the hatred and bigotry of this
world has been engravend into my head like a hot iron. I cant think that any
sort of god could allow such pain. Not to mention my purely scientifical
mindset. I dont believe in ghosts, spirits, im not so sure of though. I actually
am the closest to buddhism though i think. I could imagine some sort of soul
that we all have, which would be reincarnated millions, and infinitely over until
we live a pure life. That nirvanna thing though is not so convincing. I duno. I
hate religion. causes all the hate, all the sorrow, and yet claims to be the
savior. It always claims to be the savior. I hate this world. I wish i could rule it. I
wish i could kill everyone in an instant. This life was not meant to be this way.
Or was it meant to be at all?
I dunno. I think oddly. I hallucinate when in deep thought, and in emotional
well i think ive written enough for today. Maybey i can use some of the stuff i
wrote today for lyrics. i would love to be a singer. that would kick so much ass.
Matt wants me to be his singer, but i cant sing. i make up stupid excuses, but i
dunno. maybey i can learn. I would love it. But i gotta stop writing to write
lyrics. It never comes out sounding good. Maybey ill just write stuff like this,
then that would come out sounding liek i meant it. Like it was meant to be.
Like me and morgan. I love her so.