2002-10-07 23:30:54 (UTC)

real writing.

theres this block between us
and i cant seem to break it down
i dont know who built it
i cant tell when it got there
i just know that i cant see you
when it floats in my face
i cant really touch you
i cant really taste
i dont know who hurt you
i just know that youve hurt me so much
i dont know why i still care
i just know that i do.

it seems like everytime i try to step closer
you take a few steps back
everytime i think weve gotten to a point
where nothing is a pinpoint
nothing is a reason
where the love can just be
consume and be free

i feel so unsatisfied
its like this taste of ambrosia
then a slap in the face
its this teeter
this totter
and its back and its forth
and im loosing weight
and im feeling weak
its still hard to sleep
without you

and i hate it
because it doesnt make sense
you keep being stubborn
you keep being rude
you start with the monotone
you start with the anger
but when i react
is it really funny to you
do you see the humor
in my agony

you never have let me in
youve tried everything you could
to push me away

i dont know why im still here
i almost wish i wasnt
i wish i was far far far away from you
but if i was
i know id just miss you
and i hate it
and i hate you for that

i hate you for so many things
i hate you for so many different reasons
and i dont know if ill ever forgive you
but the love is so much stronger than
any of that

sometimes i think you just dont feel
somethings you do
make me wish that i didnt

it hurt to read that you were thinking of her always
it hurt to read what you say to me
written towards someone else
and i feel bad for her
i really do.
it must be hard for her to see you with me.
it must hurt.
im quite sure. yeah. that it does.
i just wanted to hug her when she covered that up
it really must suck.
to be a number.

yes. i should know shouldnt i.
because i am one.

and you know.

even when i found out so long ago that you lied to me.
you lied when you decided to tell me things too.
and knowing that for so long has sucked.
but do i bring it up?
do i make you feel like shit?
or do i console myself.
knowning that you love me.

and maybe you dont?
maybe im just some blind love stuck fool
and maybe youre the worst thing
that has ever happened to me

and maybe i should turn and run
but i have to see this through
and im doing my best
and you want more
and more

i cant sit here and wait for you to decide what you want
from me.

i cant put my life on hold for you.

ive done that for too long already.

it all comes down
to me loving you
and you...
you just..
fear and resistance.
thats all that i see.
and i hurt you yeah.
i hurt you but you know
i couldnt go through with it.
and maybe i should have.
maybe ill try to.
but i couldnt do it.
i couldnt stop thinking about you.
but i know that there are plently of times
that im not even close to being on your mind
so why do i care so incredibly much
why do i have this great fucking everything filled package
waiting on your doorstep for you to open?
im getting tired.
im getting older.
and more lonely.

i dont think that i can do this for too much longer.
not when you keeping acting like you did today.

i didnt even want an open one.
i didnt want that but you needed it

and i just wanted you to be happy
i sacrificed my own for yours
youve taken it and run with it.
youre trying so hard to make yourself happy..
but baby
can you tell the difference between the supericial and
reality anymore?
because god this haze that im in
i cant even tell the difference between day
and night.

and the drugs make you mean.
and they make you be mean to me.
i dont think i like what youre doing to yourself.
i dont like it at all.
but ive kept my mouth shut.
youre doing your thing.
but i just really dont see...
how your "thing" includes me.
not anymore.

i wish i could be with you.
i wish i could love you.
but i just feel so desperate.
i feel like im clingling.
and like you dont even care
like im just teeting on this cliff
and you keep pushing me furthur..

and im not calling you.
you can feel free
im not mad about anything.
but im just not.