life of a porn star
sitting on my front steps
tonight i sat on my front steps and observed suburban life.
i was thinking how retarded the world is and wondered how
it came to this. all of our worlds revolve around ourselves
and are the result of our reactions to others and our
enviroment. that is all that is real to us. when i listen
to stupid people or the television i wonder what the hell
are they thinking and are they even thinking? this makes no
sence. socrates once said-" i think therefore i am" all
that is real to me is what is in my head. a part of me
wants to go along with everone and be sane and normal. but
part of me wants to be completely different. i am having
this huge intenal struggle over the person i am becoming. i
am at a turning point in my life and i could go either way.
all i know right now is that i need to do something about
myself because i am stupid and i hate myself, hence i am
miserable, hence i want to make a change. i am so tempted
to walk into school in the fall not giving a damn. i want
to be like screw you and your bulshit to everyone. i am so
angry because i can not show the right parts of me. i know
i am better than how people see me. i do better in intimate
friendships, in which i can sit down and get to know a
person. i hate being in big groups because i dont have a
wish to be the center of attention, nor am i invisible, err!
also i decided i need a bf. not necessarily so i can
jump his bones, but i need someone wjo is permanently there
for me. i admitt i am a dependent person to a degree- but i
just want someone to hug and talk to and posses in my mind.
but i suck and i am alone -peace and love