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2002-10-07 10:00:47 (UTC)

a year later.....

I feel so creative tonight. I feel like I can make a
difference, because I have a positive attitude and I am in
the mind of the students I am trying to satisfy. I feel
like I have humor and creativity flowing through me, and
while it won't last for long, I can embrace it while I have
it. I have been talking to Gloria for a while, she really
helps me build ideas into actions. Mainly just because she
listens and contributes and feeds my ego and thought
process. I like my absence of a circle of friends, and I
think it is healthy for my behaviors. At first it was hard
because everyone felt like I was intentionally dissing
them, but really now they find out I am just like that, and
my time spent with them is very important to me. I want to
start a Photography Club. Between classwork (paper, debate,
midterm all this week), the semi formal (tickets start
selling tomorrow, all the way until November), One Dirty
Night (I am assistant directing, we start shooting in 2
weeks), plus working every weekend at Bubba's, I don't see
much free time, but I want it! Too bad I am still kinda
willing to drop what I do for Karl. To spend time with him.
We have a cool relationship now. We are pretty close, he
talks to me about girls, I know most of what goes on in his
life. I think he is starting to see the uniqueness in it.
We can hang out and hug and stuff and I joke around
totally. Because while I love him to death, and I would
hook up with him if shown the opportunity, I will not
instigate it and will only adhere to harmless flirting.
People ask us if we are going out. Even though he is with
Allison. Who called my room 4 times tonight asking for him.
So this is fun right now, but where do we end up in a few
weeks? Then again, we have been close like this all summer
basically. But I think he will find a girl best friend who
he likes but she doesn't pursue him and he wants to spend
all his time with her instead of me, like Gloria. I am
supposed to marry this kid Mark from work on Saturday. Just
for fun, but I think he likes me. I thought I liked him,
but actually kinda scary to say but he reminds me of Bob
Wycoff a little bit. And he is not playing any games, which
is no fun at all. I want to suffer! Sad but true. I think
that by not actively pursuing any of my male friends, they
see me as a game, and that is why they like me, if they do.
Except for a few that I see as "potentials", where I do
pursue them and sure enough they lose interest. I feel like
I want a hook up now, but I am not instigating to any
extent. Unless some guy puts his lips to mine I am keeping
them to myself. And I am not gonna ruin any friendships
here on campus for it, that's just stupid. Oh Karl how I
want to hug thee. Tonight he hugged me on my bed and we
were just laying there, so comfortable. Friday night I
slept in his room in Bethlehem, and I considered moving
from the chair to his bed, then fell asleep on the floor
and he woke up and rolled over to let me sleep up there,
but I didn't for some reason. We discussed it tonight and
he thought it was absurd that I didn't do it. I don't know
how I feel about him. I wonder...............

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