Crazy4Jah03

The diary of a hardcore psycho punker --
2002-10-07 05:42:44 (UTC)

Work @ Subway with Joel... crazy FUN!

Today after church at 3pm, I went to work and I had so much
fun! I didn't even want to leave! I worked with Joel again
tonight and he brought in some punk music to play in the
store instead of ROSIE 105!! It was awesome! We played it
loud too and people that came in were like "YEAH!!" It was
awesome! Joel and I totally click too. It's really nice
working with him. We had a tip cup and some people gave
tips. We made like $5. NICE! Well not really... So Joel
asked me if I want to go to a concert with him.. it's his
friend's band so that should be pretty fun. =) I almost had
the feeling he was asking me to go with him like just the
two of us and hang out outside of work. I admit, it would
be fun but still, I don't know.

Right now, I feel like my thought life and everything
that's been going on inside me has really taken a tole on
me. I've had such intense feelings for Zac and when I see
him and he doesn't act like I want him to, I get all upset
afterwards. I want to just be content with being friends
with guys... not wanting and dreaming of something more. It
was like those situations I thought of happening before the
MV concert, they made me like impure or something. Like I'm
the only one that feels like that and he doesn't at all. I
hate it! I never want to dream about guys again! I just
want to have guys as friends right now. I don't think my
heart can take any more let-downs. It's not worth it! Like,
I feel like I took my heart back from God and gave it over
to a relationship with some guy and he let me down so my
heart was just crushed. The thing is, if I continually give
everything to God and not to anything else but Him until I
promise myself to my husband, I will never get let down
because God will never hurt me like people do. God will
never let me down. He's always faithful and always there
for me no matter what I'm going through. As said in church
today by Pastor Bob, God wants to be what we need Him to be
in our situations. That was totally exactly what I needed
to hear! You have no idea! I almost broke down right there
in church! I was totally trying to fight back the tears.
I'm very emotional but I don't like to show it in front of
people. If something's really bothering me to the point of
tears, I'll just go to my room and break and cry my heart
out but I don't like to do it in front of anyone because I
feel stupid later.. most of the time. Like if I'm at youth
group or camp or something and I'm totally having an
encounter with God, I won't be able to help it and I'll
just break but that's different than if I'm dealing with
something on my own. Well not on my own, but in my life ya
know? Well that's all that's been bugging me lately.
There's like this huge war going on inside me. I'm fighting
over how to be myself too. Like I don't want to be thought
of as shy and quiet but around certain guys and stuff, I
get so nervous. ARGH! I hate it! I just want to be me!!!




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