Mysterious Attitude
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2001-07-31 22:25:19 (UTC)

Monday July 30,2001

*Time: 5:08pm.... it's Tuesday... as u can see I'm way
*Wearing: White sleevless shirt and black pants that flair
at the bottom
*Jewelry: Tha usual
*Hair: I'm wearing a bandana to hold my bangs and hair back
*Listenin to : nothing
*Eating/Drinkin:nothing to tell u the truth I haven't ate
all day :(
*Song of the day : Falling- Alica Keys
*Weather: It's been hot all the dayz
*Talking to : No one now
*Mood: Umm... happy at this moment... but last night I was
depressed and crying
*Thinking: Why in the hell did I cut myself yet again??


Well, Monday started off good ... well until 12:30am that
night.... See I called Jack's cell phone to talk to him ... but his
cousin answered it ... and he told me Jack was on
the phone yet again ... so I talked to Darin (Jack's cousin)
for a while ... he seems to be nice ... but yet soooo much
like Jack ... but anywho he gave the phone to Jack after he
got off the phone ... and that's when Jack told me he was
talking to his new gurlfriend... well she isn't his
gurlfriend yet but he really likes her ... as soon as he
told me that I started to cry ... he was like what's wrong?
I was like nothing ... he was like I know your lying ... and I told
him well I wish u luck with with Becky... I
think that is what her name was ... and he was like it
don't seem like your wishing me luck... I was like well I
am ... and he told me to stop crying I was like I can't and
he was like yes u can don't think bout that think of
sumthing else... I was like well why does it matter what I
feel? and he was like it does ... well then he had to go
get sum cigs... so I talked to his cousin until he got
back... Darin was trying to make me feel better which he
did.... But as soon as I talked to Jack again I started to
cry again....and I kept telling Jack that it would probably
be the last time we talk ... and he was like why do u say
that? I was like cuz u have Becky now ... he was like well I
will still call u... cuz your my buddy... u do want to be
my friend still right? I was like yes I do but I know u...
and I know that u will blow me off and not talk to me until
u stop talking to Becky then u will start to talk to me
again ... and he was like no I won't I was like yeah ok...
and then I told him that I cut myself.... but I didn't tell
him I did it over him ... and he told me that I was stupid
for doing that and that he was going to kick my ass... I
was like yeah I know I'm stupid and go on and kick my ass I
don't care anymore ... then he told me that he wouldn't talk
to me again if he found out I cut myself again ... but ohh
well like I said I probably won't be talking to him for
much longer anyway ... cuz I don't think I can handle being
just his friend... u know what I mean? Well, he then told
me he had to go to the bathroom ... and I ended up talking
to his cousin again ... and Jack never came back to the
phone ... probably cuz he was mad at me for cutting myself
and I don't care.... I really don't anymore ... well after
I hung up with his cousin I took out my knife and cut
myself again... (yes Liz I did it again) in the same place
where my other cuts were ... and I was bleeding a little
bit... I then put finger nail polish remover in the cuts
again ... and it burned like hell and I think I kept the
remover in the cuts to long cuz my arm like went numb and
still is hurting today ... so I dunno I was going to slit my
wrists but I didn't.... I cried for a long time after
that ... and just laid in my bed trying to figure out what
am I going to do... I lost Jack yet again ... and it's
killing me from the inside out but there it nothing I can
do about it ... and now I have these damn cuts to remind me
of him... I just hope they don't leave scars... anywho I
went to bed at 6 sumthing.... and that was that... I'm
still sad over Jack ... and I haven't talked to him
today ... maybe it would be best if I didn't... I really
don't know anymore... I'm losing it... I mean any other
time I wouldn't cut myself ... or start crying like I
did.... I really don't know what's wrong with me ... well I
guess I shall go so I can eat... I'm finally caught up on
my entries ... and I'll spell check and reread later ... and I will
probably write bout what happened today(Tuesday)
later on today.... I hope before we start moving tonight ... but I
doubt that I will cuz Joe is going to be staying over
here.... but hey at least he will cheer me up.... so bye
bye 4 now

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