somwhere in between what is real and jus
2001-07-31 21:24:07 (UTC)

Wow......what a life.

God, so much has happened lately I don't know where to
begin! I mean....I don't honestly know what I should talk's just there is so much I haven't been able to
write down in my regular journal, cuz I'd be in deep shit
if anyone ever read it...The one thing I have been dying to
write about...the first time I ever had sex, I wanted to be
able to pour my heart out about everything I was feeling,
and how it was and if it was worth it.....but I cannot take
a chance in somebody finding that and reading it~ So now
that is is about.....oh, I don't know the date that it was.
the 26th maybe, so it it almost a week later??? Maybe it
was b4 that...who knows.

Well, that night, I decided I was going to go to Jakes, and
he had this great plan of getting me into his room without
getting us in So, here I am, lying in Jakes
bed, making out with him, and I say~"I wanna have sex w/
you" He was like "Well, I don't have a rubber, well, maybe
there is one in here." So he looked, and found a condom in
his desk....and he kept asking me if I was sure..I was, to
be honest 100% sure that I wanted too, I was just scared.
And then we tried, but we couldn't get it too work. Jake
felt really dumb, cuz well.....he couldn't get it up. But
eventually, with a little help from my hand, we were ready. hurt like hell at first, and I like arched my back,
and whimpered in pain, He kept asking if I was ok, and if I
wanted him to stop. But I didn't....and eventually it
stopped hurting, and oh my god!!! Let me tell you, that was
really amazing. I mean, they say girls don't orgasm the
first time they have sex, but I did..I mean I had like 3
orgasms, and it isn't like they were the best ones I have
ever had, but for the first time, it was really great. I
wouldn't trade that for anything. I mean, Jake loves me so
much, and I love him so seems like we were meant
to be together. I know Iknow, I am sounding cliche` and
really corny, but seriously, I mean.....I don't know
sometimes if I even deserve someone who loves me that much.
I have been such a bitch to him, and I have done so many
things that I am not proud of, esp. the times w/ Scott. I
swear that I will NEVER EVER cheat on him, as long as I
live as long as this rose ring is on my finger, until I
have something more substancially from/that reminds me of
Jake, that I will love completely, and be totally faithful
to my Jake. He treats me so well....I guess all those
things that I used to take for granted I know want to
appreciate, and really let him know exactly how much I care
for him. It's the whole thing like......I don't know. One
thing that he said that I guess meant the world to me, was
that I asked him what we would do if I were to be pregnant.
I told him that my parents would probably kick me out of
the house. He looked me in the eye and said...."If they
kicked you out, you could probably move in here. No
seriously." The fact that he would stand by me through
that, and the fact that he has stood by me through
everything I have done to him, is just,it makes me realize
exactly what I have, and exactly what I must hold on to.