starry nite

my own world
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2002-10-06 14:27:08 (UTC)


this weekend has been terrible so far. kayla never called
me on friday so i ended up sitting home and doing nothing.
yesterday i went to the coffee house with beth, tash,josh
(tasha's b/f),tara, and anthony. i had a terrible time.
beth made me feel like shit for some tthings that she said,
and then her tasha and josh left after like an hour to go
to a bar. we were supposed to be all hanging out together
since they had left for college and we never see each other
anymore. but they would rather drink instead and just leave
tara and me behind. anthony also made m e feel like shit.
he acts so weird around me. sometimes hes so nice and
others its like he is purposely distancing himself from me
by being not nice and i dont understand why. i was so
depressed at the coffee house by the end of the nite i just
sat there and stared off into space and didnt talk to
anyway. anthony asked if i was ok and i said no, and when
he asked why i just said it didnt matter and thats all i
would say to him. i was so close to crying, it was so hard
not to. tara kept saying that anthony liked me, cuz of the
way he acts towards me(for instance, there was a guy there
with a mohawk, and i love mohawks, and i kept looking at
the guy and me and tara were talking about him and anthony
asked why and i told him it was cuz i loved his hair and
how much i love guys w/mohawks, if they are done nicely.
well anyway a couple min. later i went to ask the lady that
worked there something and anthony was asking tara if he
would look good in a mohawk) i dont think he likes me, i
think he just acts like he does for some weird reason . im
not exactly sure why. after the coffee house we went to
abes room b/c anthony wanted to burn one of my cds. that
was not fun at all. kayla was there, and i didnt even want
to see her let alone talk to her. she said "oh sorry about
the branstin show" and i just kinda shrugged it off, then
she says "it was really good though" i was so mad. why the
fuck would you blow someone off and then tell them wee, it
was fun? thats just rude. i definatly was happy to leave
there. before i thought i had no one to talk to but now it
is even worse. i am starting to lose the peopl i could at
least just hang out with and have simple conversations
with. kayal blew me off, anthony makes me feel like shit,
so does abe, bill keeps asking me to have sex with him, or
things of that nature, tasha and beth would rather drink, i
havent talked to shaun in like forever cuz his comp. is
broken and he is always working when i call, ....and the
list continues. im sorry. dasmn it. all i do is bitch to
you anymore. im sorry. i am so stressed right now. tara and
i went to dennys last nite before we went home and i ate
so much food cuz i was so stressed. ive been thinking about
what kind of tattoo i want next. i am torn between 3. i
want something to cover the scars on the top of my arm cuz
they are most noticable and people ask all the time what
theyare from. another is i want something on my lowerback,
but i dont know what cuz its got to look good with the
wings. and 3rd i want a bleeding heart with thorns wrapped
around it, a little above where my real heart
going to go. if you are sick of hearing me bitch all the
time just tell me, i ll stop. im trying to be strong. i
want to be strong. i want to hold on, but i dont know if i
can. for a while i wasnt very suicidal, depressed but not
suicidal, but i am back to the point where i want to just
die. i know its permanent, but i dont want people to hurt
me anymore......


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