Jaded

Why Me?
2001-07-31 06:58:29 (UTC)

Adrift...

Diary,

Dammit! It's Monday. What are Mondays? To most people
who have a thread of sanity (or is insanity the better
quality these days?) left in their heads, Mondays are cold,
heartless days that thrive on wrenching the life and spirit
out of any one who has any life and spirit left. While it's
true that I am possessed of little of the former or latter,
I still battle the ceaseless war with Mondays. Mondays
personified are death. Death personified is a little man
walking around in a robe carrying a scythe. Thus said,
Mondays are little men in robes carrying scythes. Kind of
unnerving, isn't it, Diary? I mean, think about this one
for a minute. Once a week, four times a month, a bunch of
little men with scythes and robes are just parading over
Earth and no one bothers to stop them. Is it me, or is our
race getting dumber by the minute?
It being Monday, my day has been accompanied by depression
and desolation. Then again, so many of them are accompanied
by depression and desolation that it can no longer be blamed
on Monday. Lately, I have felt so alone. So stranded. As
if I were simply thrown away like an old shoe. Regularly,
no matter how hard I try to please them, I piss my parents
off. My brother and I never have gotten along. My friend
(yes, my friend - not plural) and I are okay, but she's got
as many problems as I do and I wouldn't want to burden her.
I'm so sick and tired of playing the good little Erin. All
my life, it has felt like I was simply playing a part.
Saying the right lines, smiling on cue, laughing and crying
when it was appropriate - it's all an act! I've put on this
facade for so long that even I don't know who Erin Renee
Kazee is and who she isn't! Am I a basically good person,
with only minor flaws - normal in most aspects? Or am I
mean and selfish - a vicious little brute? What do I really
enjoy and what have I forced myself to enjoy? It's like I
have a little monster inside my head, controlling my
thoughts so that I don't step outside the boundaries of the
play.
Diary, I suppose that I shouldn't burden even you with
these thoughts, because they don't mean anything. Surely,
I've thought all this enough that there is no need to write
it down. How often have I, tears sparkling in my over
bright eyes, sat on my bed and wondered what the hell I'm
doing? Why do I even care about pleasing anybody anymore?
What do I get out of it? Certainly not the pleasure that
everyone says comes from being nice. Truth be told, I'm NOT
nice! Sure, everyone says "Oh, sweet little Erin" but it's
ALL A LIE! Occassionally, I wonder what's taking everyone
so long to peel back this mask of mine and brand me as the
actress that I am. Is it possible that I've played this
role so long that I no longer CAN be the real Erin? The
Erin that was meant to be?
Well, Diary, moving on, I'm worried about something. Oh
sure, nothing big to most people but it IS something to me,
and you, being a diary, are obligated to listen. First, a
little background: My friend and I WERE friends with this
one guy, and then he started controlling us. Finally, we
ended it (well, I did and she followed) and now there's a
lot of tension between everyone. So, now for the problem:
My friend and I have been friends since the fourth grade.
One might think a relationship like that is solid, but it
isn't. There's another person trying to be friends with
her. I'm worried to death that history will repeat itself,
so to speak, and so is she. I don't want her to be friends
with this guy, but I want her to be happy and don't want to
say "NO! You're MY friend, not HIS!". Thing is, she feels
the same way - we tried to be friends w/ someone exactly
like this guy, and it blew up in our faces. I told her that
she should be friends if the guy if she WANTED to, but that
I would refuse to be any part of it. Not once would I even
hang out around the two of them together outside of school.
She totally understood, but thinks it would be unfair to
me, as we are the only friends each other has. I don't know
what to do! Technically this is HER problem, but because we
are so close, it's MY problem. Achk.
Well, Diary, I had planned on sharing some of my theories
tonight, but had to get a few things off my chest instead.
Goodnight, Diary. And if anyone out there read this, always
remember to be true to yourself. So, to all: I love you,
I'll see you, and, well, I bless you!