browneyedgirl

Lost and Found
2001-07-31 04:02:17 (UTC)

Musings

Just a lost girl looking for a place.

Aren/t we all?

How do we know what we are here for?

How do we get it to make sense?

Relationships, love, lust, desire, friendship, mothers,
work, careers, revolution, activism?

Which one is it that fullfills us? That allows us moments
of delight, a moment of pleasure. Where is the delicious
moment of anticipation that thrill in your belly when you
know that something SOMETHING is going to happen. At what
point did SOMETHING stop happening and why?

Is that just what happens as you get older and living gives
way to responsibility and routine and stability and making
do and settling and achievement and money and house hunting.

When does your partner stop being your friend and become
the fuck you are accustomed to and the accusing look that
tells you it hasnt worked out the way he hoped either. When
do you wake up in the middle of the night look around at
all your "possessions" look at him and wonder where the
hell you are how you got here and why you stay.

You dont see it coming. Ever.

It creeps up on you and then one night after drinking, not
even heavily, when you think that you are feeling happy you
suddenly realise you are going to die and you are not
living. And suddenly it is not dying that I am afraid of
anymore it is living. Not living enough.