Scarlet's Life
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2001-01-23 02:36:48 (UTC)

O.k.. i offically HATE my..

O.k.. i offically HATE my life.. I don't know what to do..
ben's in jail.. and he's my b/f... and I was just making
out with chase... AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I said NEVER
again.. he wants me to go the the Millatary Ball with
him.. and I might.. just to go... but I don't know.. I SOO
don't want to decide this shit right now... i have to much
to do i DON'T want to b tied down.. but i SOO care about
Ben... I don't know I'm SOOOO confused.. At times I wish i
were to b hit by a car and put in the hospital... I mean I
feel like i'll SCREAMMING for someone to give me the right
answers and no one even notices I'm here.. only guy i can
freely speak to is ben.. but at times I don't know if he's
lyin or what... I WANT to believe that he's changing.. but
I don't know... there is just sooo much to look at... and I
just want to have fun.... be ME.. but i can't... I worry
too much.. i mean tho.. Not to b rude or anything... but
when I kiss chase I think about ben.. I remember all the
times me and Ben has had together.. I mean I SOOOOO hate
Ben for doin this shit to me.. but I sOOOOOO love him.. i
hate it that I have to decide all this shit and I'm 15... I
catch my self when I'm walking home holdin my breath right
before i can see my drive way.... or during my lunch
looking around to see if he's out... I hate that everytime
I walk down the street i look for him.. just praying that
he's out and that I sit here and cry over him... I don't
want this but I love it... If I couldn't ever see Ben again
i'll b lost... i'll b dead.. he's part of what keeps me
goin everyday... just waiting for a letter from him...
praying that he's o.k... and that he'll b in my arms soon..
I don't know what to do anymore.. I hate letting guyz close
to me for this reason and what did I do.. I lett ben close
to me.. I mean Chase don't mean shit to me really.. I just
REALLY miss Ben.. I mean I lay in bed and I can Feel his
touch.. i can feel his arms around me I can taste his
lips.. I hate it.. It drives me up the wall.... Everytime I
hear something that is something that he'll doo i look if I
hear someone that sounds even half way like him i look... i
look for his dad's truck.. I look to see if he's around all
the fucking time.. I don't know if I can take much more of
this shit... I don't know about to much anymore... well..
enough of that shit u don't wanna hear it

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