ICanOnlyBeHele3

Saturday July 28-Sunday July 29-2001

*Time: 4:36pm.... it's Tuesday... as u can see I'm way behind
*Wearing: White sleevless shirt and black pants that flair at the
bottom
*Jewelry: Tha usual
*Hair: I'm wearing a bandana to hold my bangs and hair back
*Listenin to : nothing
*Eating/Drinkin:nothing
*Song of the day : Falling- Alica Keys
*Weather: It's been hot all the dayz
*Talking to : Krissy and sum boy
*Mood: Umm... happy at this moment... but on Sat. and Sun I was
depressed and crying
*Thinking: Why in the hell did I cut myself for???

~~~~~Saturday~~~~

Saturday was a boring day ... all I really did was sleep ... but at
around 10:30pm sumthing really ... umm freaky and weird happened ...
see I was sitting on the bed talking to my mom when my pager goes
off.... It was a pager number I didn't know.... so I called it and
left my number ... well a few minutes later sum boy calls back ...
and I found out that it was a friend of this boy Ricky ... who had
lied to me and then told me the truth when he saw my picture.... cuz
he didn't like the way I looked I guess ... but anywho the boy who
called me was also named Ricky ... and was asking me if I was a freak
and all this shit... I was like I dunno.... like I was going to tell
him anything bout me when I don't even know who he is.... well he
told me that the boy who had lied to me was really 24 and not 18...
and he uses a voice box to trick young gurls into meeting him and
then he rapes them.... I was like well damn thanks for telling me ...
and I went on to ask him if he was his friend using his voice box ...
he said no but luckily his brother was trying to get online and he
had to let me go ... he told me he would call me back but he never
did thank god!!! But as soon as we hung up I began to freak out ...
cuz I couldn't remember if I had told that rapist person where I
lived or not ... so I told my uncle what was going on ... and what
does he do? He tells me to tell Jack ... so I called up Jack but
there was no answer.... I laid in my bed listening to music and
praying that Jack would call me ... he did call me at like 1:30am...
and I told him what happened but it seemed like he didn't care ...
and he started to get me a little mad but he was like u know I
care ... and in the end he made me feel a lot better ... he was being
so sweet to me and stuff.... I was soo happy.... I went to bed that
night at 4 sumthing....

~~~Sunday~~~

Umm let me see ... as soon as I woke up on Sunday I had to help my
mom pack up our stuff ... after packing for a little while I got
online ... and out of all the people who have my screen name... Adrian
IM's me ... and he was basically asking for another chance with me...
I was like I dunno call me and we can talk bout it then.... so he
called me a few minutes later ... and our talk didn't go umm to well
for him cuz I told him that I would still be his friend and nothing
else ... and he said that he understood ... he was getting me soo
pissed off tho cuz he kept acting like a 2 year old ... so I let him
go at like 8 sumthing... Then I jumped back online ... and Adrian got
back online again and wanted to talk to me ... so I signed off so he
could call me ... then after I hung up with him I called Jack ...
which wasn't a good idea cuz when he answered the phone he was
like... I'm on the phone... I was like sorrry bye then ... and he was
like well don't be mad I was like I'm not ... and he goes ok... and I
hung up...I knew he was on the phone with sum other gurl... so I
began to cry and I started to poke little bleeding holes into my arm
with a pushpin ... so I felt like that wasn't enough pain for me ...
so I started to hit myself with this chain and like a whip sorta
thing ... and kept on crying.... I called Jack back at 2:30am but
when he answered he was sleeping already ... so I hung up with
him ... and started to cry again ... well then I did sumthing totally
stupid... I went to my house and took a knife out of the drawer and
then went into the bathroom.... I started to try and cut myself with
that knife but it wouldn't work ... so I went and got another
knife ... and that one did the trick ... so I stood there looking
into the bathroom mirror looking at my arm bleed ... it wasn't a bad
cuts or anything but that was the first time I have ever done
that ... and as I think bout it... I didn't really have a reason to
be doing it but I did ... and I even put finger nail polish remover
in the cuts to cause more pain for myself ... well after cutting
myself I got online and talked to Liz and Lou.... I told them what I
did and they both told me I shouldn't be doing that.... I was crying
really bad but Liz made me feel sooo much better.... and I went to
bed that night at like 4:00am.... what a hellish day... :(

~~~That's All For That~~~

Well, I guess that is all for them to days... I'm bout to go and
write bout what happened on Monday ... so bye bye 4 now